Rest of UK excited about underwater London

NEW projections that London will be reclaimed by the sea have been greeted enthusiastically by the rest of the country.

The provincial population is excited by the prospects of taking speedboat tours around a half-submerged Gherkin and everyone in Britain’s capital being eaten by eels.

Julian Cook of Shrewsbury said: “No more investment bankers, no more Parliament, no more TV stand-ups making Oyster card jokes I don’t get, no more sneering estate agents selling parking spaces for seven figure sums.

“Just seeing maps of Britain with London as a lovely big blue bay gives me a calm feeling of everything being in its right place at long last.”

Climate change expert Dr Mary Fisher said: “London is the home of 73 per cent of the UK’s wealth and 93 per cent of its twats. Letting the city sink beneath the waves will be an enormous net gain for the rest of Britain.

“Losing Hull and most of the East Midlands is just a bonus.”

But the news that the flooding, even at the current rate of climate change, could take 5,000 years has been greeted with widespread disappointment.

Cook said: “5,000 years? I can’t wait that long. If I leave the patio heater on, could we get it done by next Tuesday?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Manchester United to renew pact with Satan

THE Red Devils are to renew their longstanding deal with Satan in a ceremony before their home game this Sunday.

The club, who first began worshipping Satan in the 1930s because they couldn’t afford new kit, owe their astonishing success over the last 25 years to a pact brokered by Sir Alex Ferguson.

New manager David Moyes will invite the Horned One back to the heart of the club by drawing an inverted pentacle on the Old Trafford pitch before the Arsenal match.

Club ambassador Sir Bobby Charlton said: “We’ve always had strong links with Hades, culminating in the loan of senior demonic torturer Roy Keane, and it’s great to reaffirm that before a home crowd.”

Ryan Giggs, who after retirement hopes to become an Archduke of Hell, said: “People put my longevity down to self-belief, extra training or opposing players’ terror of my otherworldly Welshness.

“Personally I think it’s all about focus, commitment, and my pre-match ritual of bathing in the warm blood of six virgins.”

Lucifer has agreed that United will progress to the European Cup final against Barcelona, during which the pitch will split open and a clawed hand will drag Lionel Messi down to a realm of eternal torment.

Moyes said: “As part of the deal, our fans will spend an eternity burning in unimaginable agony in return for the Premier League titles and European Cups they enjoyed in life.”

Liverpool fan Stephen Malley responded: “I’m not sure about that. It doesn’t sound harsh enough to me.”