Seven alternatives for when you forget your dog poo bags

YOUR delightful dog takes a dump right outside the school gates, and you’re all out of biodegradable bags? Here’s how to deal with the dirt: 

Boot it

Wait until the coast’s clear then hoof it into the undergrowth. A risky option that needs to take into account turd texture, stool solidity, windspeed and shoe colour. Judge it wrong and things could get messy. Alternatively, if you’re a golfer, whack it with a stick.

Sock it

It’s a repellent thought, but if a kid treads in that shit or worse, a parent puts a photo on the community Facebook page you’ll be ruined. And you’ve got two ready-made bags down there on your feet. Simply slide off a sock for a perfect poo-sized packet.

Council it

Simply erect a red-and-white striped fence with discarded lolly sticks and scribble signs saying ‘DO NOT ENTER’ and ‘ONGOING WORKS SPRING 2021-SUMMER 2023’. Everyone will tut. Nobody will do anything.

Man it up 

Show how hard you are by picking it up with your bare hands and slipping the bastard into your coat pocket. Dog shit don’t scare you.

Fake it

Lie and misdirect. When a school run mum with a buggy approaches, shriek ‘WATCH OUT!’ Feign horror. Take a photo of it and staple aggrieved ‘Pick Up Your Poo’ flyers to telegraph poles around your community.

Leaf it

Find dock leaves and carefully curl them to create a natural dump-disposal solution. If this works you’ll feel as smug and refreshed as a Guardian reader after a wild swim.

Leave it

Kids today have it too easy with these shit-free streets. Maybe it’s time they knew the pain of treading dog poo into the classroom and scraping it off with non-absorbant green paper towels.

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Woman who's never up before 9am calls herself 'a morning person'

A WOMAN who is never conscious before 9am counts herself as a morning person, she has revealed.

Freelance marketing consultant Lauren Hewitt claims to love that early morning feel of being up and ready and watching Lorraine while the rest of the world still slumbers.

She said: “It disgusts me when people waste the best part of the day slugging about in bed. I’m so much more productive in the AM.

“I get up, have a shower, do a little yoga, stroll down to the local bakery and grab a croissant and a cappuccino – they open, like, way early – and by 11am I’m already sending emails. Efficiency.

“And the great thing about starting so early is you don’t feel guilty about clocking off at 3pm. Whereas lazy people are chained to their laptops until early evening, I have a little power nap and I’m raring to go.

“Maintain that strict routine and you’ll find yourself accomplishing so much more. It’s all above embracing the morning person within yourself.”

When informed that some people raise at 5am, she said: “You what? Are they f**king mental?”