Slugs teleport into houses

SLUGS get into kitchens by teleporting, it has emerged.

Scientists solved the mystery of how the gastropods enter apparently secure homes after watching them shimmer and then disappear, like characters ‘beaming down’ in Star Trek.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It appears the slugs have to form a very clear mental image of your kitchen floor before they can teleport. The level of mental concentration required explains why they move so very slowly.

“Once the co-ordinates are fixed in their slug minds they dissipate into atoms, reappearing a fraction of a second later, usually beside a bowl of cat food.

“There’s no point trying to keep them out. Just let them leave their sticky residue everywhere.

“Try not to let them see you looking disgusted – that’s what they want.”

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Johnson to press ahead with island for people called Boris

BORIS Johnson is to create an island sanctuary for people called Boris.

Boris Karloff monsters will be used to scare away the non-Borises

After his plans for an island airport were rejected, the London mayor insisted he was always going to create a Boris Island in the Thames, he just thought it would be good to put an airport on it.

He said: “We can still have a wonderful Boris Island, even without the planes. In fact it will just mean more room for the Borises.

“It will be a place where Borises can run free, make love in the street and eat with their hands.”

Early subscribers include the novelist Boris Starling, Jamaican reggae singer Boris Gardiner and House of Cards actor Boris McGiver. Each Boris will get a two bedroom eco-home, a Ford Fiesta and a velvet onesie.

Johnson added: “I’ve made no secret of the fact that I want to be the Chief Boris, but Boris Island will be a democracy and there’s every chance the Borises will choose Boris Williams, the drummer for The Cure.”

Facilities will include the Boris Becker Tennis Dome, the Boris Spassky Chess Mall and the Boris Pasternak Institute for Watching Dr Zhivago.

In the centre of the Island there will be a 40ft statue of Boris Yeltsin, also known as the Ultra-Boris. At the base of the statue there will be a fountain supplying all the Borises with a never ending supply of fizzy Boris juice.