Static caravan becomes roasting tin

A STATIC caravan on the Isle of Wight has become a roasting tin capable of cooking a family of four in one hour 40 minutes, they have confirmed. 

The caravan, which has spent almost a fortnight as a metal rain-amplification box where the constant drumming of water drowned out all other sound, is now so hot it instantly turns human skin to ash. 

Staycationer Tom Logan said: “Remaining in the caravan became unbearable shortly after 7.10am this morning, before any of us had eaten breakfast. 

“We gathered, still in pyjamas and blankets, in the shrinking shade of a tree to discuss our options. My wife ran back in to get her phone and was lucky to receive only first-degree burns. 

“We’ve now had to relocate to across the road as the caravan is now radiating heat to a distance of four to five feet. You could toast marshmallows on it. 

“The plan is to spend the day on the beach while avoiding the police arresting us as refugees, then attempt to re-enter the caravan around midnight. I will open the door with a long pole while wearing a welding mask.” 

Year-round resident James Bates said: “Ah, they should come back in winter. So cold your bodily functions are forcibly shut down. I closed my eyes in November and opened them in March.”

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Woman who likes to pay extra for no reason off to Waitrose

A WOMAN who enjoys paying extra for items that are just as good elsewhere is off to shop at Waitrose again, it has been confirmed.

Eleanor Shaw knows perfectly well that Waitrose jacks up the price of its products to appear upmarket, and is happy to pay through the nose to feel like an affluent member of society.

Shaw said: “Normally I wouldn’t be seen dead with this big packet of McVities chocolate digestives in my shopping basket. But if they’re £1 more expensive than the exact same biscuits in Iceland, count me in.

“There’s no difference in quality or nutritional benefit either. Everything I’ve picked off the shelves can be bought literally anywhere else for less. Frankly I’m paying for the weird sexual kick this is giving me.

“I love the more-expensive ready meals, although they probably come from the same factory as Sainsbury’s, and extremely mundane products like tinned peas taste so much better if they’re 75p more.

“It’s such a rush when it’s all scanned through the checkout and I see the total go up and up. I even whisper ‘Come on you beauty’ to myself as I close in on my extortionate personal best.

“Then when I get home I’ll tell poor people on social media that they need to budget better.”

Checkout assistant Tom Booker said: “I’m going to have to ask Eleanor if she’s got another payment method because her card’s been declined. This is the best part of my job.”