Thursday, 6th May 2021

Static caravan becomes roasting tin

A STATIC caravan on the Isle of Wight has become a roasting tin capable of cooking a family of four in one hour 40 minutes, they have confirmed. 

The caravan, which has spent almost a fortnight as a metal rain-amplification box where the constant drumming of water drowned out all other sound, is now so hot it instantly turns human skin to ash. 

Staycationer Tom Logan said: “Remaining in the caravan became unbearable shortly after 7.10am this morning, before any of us had eaten breakfast. 

“We gathered, still in pyjamas and blankets, in the shrinking shade of a tree to discuss our options. My wife ran back in to get her phone and was lucky to receive only first-degree burns. 

“We’ve now had to relocate to across the road as the caravan is now radiating heat to a distance of four to five feet. You could toast marshmallows on it. 

“The plan is to spend the day on the beach while avoiding the police arresting us as refugees, then attempt to re-enter the caravan around midnight. I will open the door with a long pole while wearing a welding mask.” 

Year-round resident James Bates said: “Ah, they should come back in winter. So cold your bodily functions are forcibly shut down. I closed my eyes in November and opened them in March.”