WHEN you’re trapped at home and single, the last thing you need is to hear is the bedroom antics of your horny neighbours. Here are some coping strategies.
Pretend you’re taking part
Turn their shagging into a sexy threesome from the other side of your adjoining wall. For every ‘ooh’ add an ‘aah’ and for every ‘God, that’s good’ gasp ‘Don’t stop, don’t stop!’. For extra spice put on a sultry French accent. It’s sort of perverted but it’s their fault for making you jealous.
Post a ‘Congratulations’ card
Something along the lines of: ‘What a pleasure it was to hear you and Phil banging like oversexed rabbits again last night. All the best, the chap at number 51.’ This is the worst kind of sanctimonious, busybody neighbour behaviour, but if it means a couple of nights of not having to listen to their depressing sex marathons, it’s worth being a twat.
Convince yourself Pornhub is better
Some would say porn is a poor substitute for actual sex, but a virtual relationship with Kristy Fuxwell – star of My Dirty Stepsister, Gangbang Soccer Moms 12 and many others – does have its advantages. She’s a lot hotter than any of your previous partners, and definitely more open-minded about curious sex acts. Also you won’t have to stay with her awful Brexiter parents at Christmas.
The glut of properties untouched during coronavirus means there’s never been a better time to move. After securing a quick sale, throw a leaving party and invite the neighbours in question. Then get your revenge with a speech containing verbatim sex talk, the more embarrassing the better, eg. “Behold the mighty hammer of Thor, Black Widow!”
Call the emergency services
Next time your neighbours are engaged in a satisfying screw, call 999. Avoid being prosecuted for wasting everyone’s time by saying you mistook their howls of pleasure for an animal being mistreated. Or just say their house is on fire. They’ll find it impossible to get back into the mood after eight pissed-off firemen have kicked the door in, and they totally deserve it for having a sex life.