The single person's guide to coping with your neighbours having great sex

WHEN you’re trapped at home and single, the last thing you need is to hear is the bedroom antics of your horny neighbours. Here are some coping strategies.

Pretend you’re taking part

Turn their shagging into a sexy threesome from the other side of your adjoining wall. For every ‘ooh’ add an ‘aah’ and for every ‘God, that’s good’ gasp ‘Don’t stop, don’t stop!’. For extra spice put on a sultry French accent. It’s sort of perverted but it’s their fault for making you jealous.

Post a ‘Congratulations’ card

Something along the lines of: ‘What a pleasure it was to hear you and Phil banging like oversexed rabbits again last night. All the best, the chap at number 51.’ This is the worst kind of sanctimonious, busybody neighbour behaviour, but if it means a couple of nights of not having to listen to their depressing sex marathons, it’s worth being a twat. 

Convince yourself Pornhub is better

Some would say porn is a poor substitute for actual sex, but a virtual relationship with Kristy Fuxwell – star of My Dirty Stepsister, Gangbang Soccer Moms 12 and many others – does have its advantages. She’s a lot hotter than any of your previous partners, and definitely more open-minded about curious sex acts. Also you won’t have to stay with her awful Brexiter parents at Christmas.

Just move

The glut of properties untouched during coronavirus means there’s never been a better time to move. After securing a quick sale, throw a leaving party and invite the neighbours in question. Then get your revenge with a speech containing verbatim sex talk, the more embarrassing the better, eg. “Behold the mighty hammer of Thor, Black Widow!”

Call the emergency services

Next time your neighbours are engaged in a satisfying screw, call 999. Avoid being prosecuted for wasting everyone’s time by saying you mistook their howls of pleasure for an animal being mistreated. Or just say their house is on fire. They’ll find it impossible to get back into the mood after eight pissed-off firemen have kicked the door in, and they totally deserve it for having a sex life.

Leicester, Aberdeen, Preston: will the shithole you live in be locked down next?

FOLLOWING rumours that Preston could be the latest of the UK’s piss-stain conurbations locked down after some dickhead opened a nightclub there, residents of Britain’s shitholes fear they could be next. Here’s a risk rundown:

Newport, Gwent

Long renowned for only appearing on Channel 5 documentaries about the roughest f**kers in Wales, this sinkhole is ideally suited to a Covid breakout because its aggressive citizens live in ignorance of all laws, both of man and nature.

Nuneaton, Warwickshire

The town whose official slogan is ‘Where dreams come to die’ was considered as a location for a UK series of The Walking Dead before producers decided it was far too grim to be halfway believable. Horrible even for the Midlands.

Southend-on-Sea, Essex

Usually places next to the sea are nicer than places that aren’t. Southend is very much the exception. Even the seagulls shitting on your fish-and-chips are doing you a favour. Home to the world’s longest pier stretching more than a mile from shore which still isn’t far enough from Southend to be bearable.

Peterborough, Cambridgeshire

The teenagers hanging around Queensgate shopping centre in this flat, lifeless wank of a town were scientifically proven to be the most bored in the UK. Combining inaccessibility with no reason to visit, Peterborough could already be locked down and nobody would know or care.

Reading, Berkshire

When the best you’ve got going for you is ‘proximity to London’, life’s already dire. Also known for the music festival that invented throwing piss, a big f**k-off motorway and being the setting of Jude the Obscure, the most misery-filled book in all literature.

Middlesbrough, North Yorks

Newcastle and Sunderland are pretty f**king rough. Middlesbrough is the twisted, malformed sibling they keep locked in the cellar to protect the world. Ideal for anyone who enjoys looking at chemical works, breathing in their fumes, or leaving and never coming back.