Burger King's good for you this month, claim knackered parents

EXHAUSTED parents have resorted to telling their children that fast food is really healthy for the entire month of August.

With Eat Out To Help Out in full swing, frazzled mums and dads who have been doing this for months now have advised their progeny that Burger King is actually a nutritious choice ideal for a child’s development for the next three-and-a-half weeks.

Mum of two Nikki Hollis said: “At first I tried to explain the government’s discount scheme, but I got bogged down in the complications so I turned to simple lying.

“Now, as far as they’re concerned, a flame-grilled Whopper has a magical charm placed on it by the monarch of burgers himself that makes it perfectly okay during the holidays. Because I’m bloody sick of cutting the crusts off sandwiches.

“It’s them who’s taking the piss. Usually they’re dying to stuff fries into their faces, but suddenly they’re asking loads of questions. I blame Joe f**king Wicks.”

Six-year-old Oliver Hollis said: “I’m concerned that the initiative doesn’t tally with the government’s anti-obesity campaign.

“And when I said that to mum, I got a caramel sundae.”

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Why you office plebs must listen to advice from a rich property developer, by Kirstie Allsopp

I MAY be the daughter of a Baron, but that doesn’t mean I’m unqualified to offer unsolicited advice on people going back to their offices during a pandemic.

As a millionaire property developer, I know only too well how offices work. And as a television presenter showing people around houses, I’ve met more than a few people who work in them.

So when I say all your jobs will soon be outsourced to Uzbekistan, I know what I’m taking about. And If I had an office job, which I can’t because ‘The Honourable Kirstie Allsopp’ doesn’t fit on a swipe pass, I would rush back to it post haste.

Hypocritical? Given that I shot an entire TV series from home due to coronavirus? Yes, but surely you know that one rule applies to people like me and my friends, and another rule applies to people who work for us.

And while we can afford to ride out the coronavirus storm because of our wealth, I’m afraid you must hurry back to work to keep our investments healthy and the economy grinding on. Come on. You can’t want to stay in your homes. I’ve seen them.

Do you want me to have to make a show about converting city-centre offices into luxury flats for overseas investors? With Phil leering in the background? No. But I will if I have to.

Thanks for listening. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to switch over to the other Kirstie who makes lovely Christmas decorations out of leftover lace doilies. It’s always useful to have a back-up plan. Good luck!