Suntanned foreigners in tropical locations dreaming of grey British summer

BRITAIN’S miserable washout summer is the envy of the world, it has emerged.

As traditional sunspots like Greece, Spain and Hawaii bake in life-endangering temperatures of 40+ degrees and are ravaged by wildfires, residents are wishing they had the UK’s forecasts of 19 degrees with a 57 per cent chance of rain.

Tourism expert James Bates said: “People from Greek islands like Skiathos are increasingly booking holidays in Doncaster, something we simply did not see two years ago.

“They read the travel brochures with their alluring promise of Doncaster’s slate-grey skies and advice to carry a flask of hot tea at all times and dream wistfully of such wonderful weather.”

Doncaster Tourist Board has been quick to encourage the trend with advertising slogans including ‘No ruddy chance of burning to death here!’ and ‘Come to Doncaster, where the sun keeps itself to itself, Yorkshire-style’. 

The result has been a boom for local businesses as Hawaiian holidaymakers flock to pubs, cinemas and kebab shops, plus a noticeable uptick in sales of Lemsip and cagoules.

Bates even believes that the recent increase in migrants arriving in small boats is due to foreigners’ envy of the British climate.

He said: “People think they’re trying to escape war and poverty, but the truth is they’re coming here to live out their fantasy of shit British weather. And who can blame them?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Gen Z retail worker requesting a mental health day in for big surprise

A 20-YEAR-OLD shop worker is sure his request for time out to aid his mental health will get a positive reaction from his managers.

Josh Whittaker began working at a major supermarket this week, and is eager to learn about the company’s pastoral policies on wellbeing and the availability of on-site counselling. 

Whittaker said: “I asked my floor manager Emma if there was a form for when you need a mental health day, but she just laughed. 

“I explained the statistics to her, how 1 in 6.8 people experience workplace-related mental health problems and how it has been proven that companies who support their staff with these issues benefit from higher employee retention.

“At that point she called another section manager over, and they laughed too. I’m starting to suspect they don’t have a staff mental health day at all.”

Line manager Emma Bradford said: “Josh is here to work. The company cares as much about his wellbeing as we care about this tin of baked beans. Less, because we can sell the beans.

“I’m not completely unsympathetic though. I showed him the room where staff go for a little cry when things get too much. You have to choose between a cry break or a dinner break though.”