Temperature perfect for one minute at 9.19am

BRITAIN enjoyed a full minute of optimum sunshine this morning before everyone started moaning about the heat.

The moment happened when everyone was either commuting or already in work, giving nobody opportunity to actually savour it before being stuck inside for a long, sweaty day.

Marketing executive Tom Logan said: “Sunshine’s great in theory. But when it’s nippy getting into work then a slow-roasted hell by lunchtime, I have to question the point.

“It’s basically treason if you’re British and don’t spend every single available second outside when the temperature exceeds 20 degrees, but I’m sweating cobs and my sandwich tastes of suncream.

“It’ll be baking when I finish work. It’ll be stifling when I go to bed tonight. And tomorrow’s Saturday, so it’ll be raining.”

The only people able to enjoy the balmy minute were old men on their way to buy a newspaper and schoolchildren playing truant.

72-year-old Norman Steele said: “Ah, wonderful to be out here with the rays playing gently on the sun-dappled pavements.

“Oh, minute’s over. Now it’s too hot.”

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May orders Britain to vote exactly as it would have on day she called election

THERESA May has ordered the UK electorate to vote in exact accordance with polling numbers on 18th April, the day the election was called. 

Following polls showing that the Conservative lead has dropped to five points, the prime minister instructed voters to disregard every new thought they had had in the last month.

She continued: “I called this election based on what you told me. If I have done that based on false pretences, I will sue.

“You have no right and no business changing your views, merely because of my ‘campaign performance’. That’s nothing to do with you.

“Cast your minds back to 18th April, when I announced this election and everyone agreed it would be a landslide, and bloody keep them there.”

Mary Fisher of Hitchin said: “Oooh, that’s actually put me off her a little bit more. That keeps happening.”