Woman realises she's slept with at least four Tories

A WOMAN has been horrified to realise that she has had sex with at least four Conservative voters. 

Joanna Kramer was reviewing her romantic history when she worked out that, despite being a lifelong liberal, she had given succour to the enemy on at least four occasions. 

She continued: “My first boyfriend’s dad was a greengrocer and there was a framed photo of Thatcher in the downstairs loo. But I was young, and he had a car. I don’t blame myself. 

“But Mark from university’s found me on Facebook and he’s Brexit as fuck, and when I see my ex Martin he’s all blazer-and-jeans ‘the 50p tax rate is the politics of revenge’ these days. 

“Then there’s that one-nighter I had two years ago, where I ran off while he was in the shower because I saw his full shelf of Jeremy Clarkson books.”

She added: “And then there’s Dan, but no. Just because he was a terrible, terrible shag doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a Tory.” 

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Ask Holly: How can I cheer myself up after such flabby orange ghastliness?

Dear Holly,

Christians must have cheerful faces full of joy, yet my recent house guest has left me with a foul grimace and a heavy heart. How can I cheer myself up after having been in the presence of such flabby orange ghastliness? I’ve tried listening to Happy by Pharrell and now I want to stick my head in the oven.

The Pope

Vatican City

Dear Pope,

My teacher says that there are many awful people in the world who want to take things that don’t belong to them or be a member of UKIP. But she says that for all those unhappy, misguided people, there are many more happy, kind people who want to help others and share and be kind and bring light into the world. They are called ‘ravers’ and we shouldn’t judge them for taking recreational drugs and dancing to techno music.

Hope that helps,