Couple starting to wonder if argument is really about which tinned tomatoes to buy

A COUPLE disagreeing on which tinned tomatoes to buy are both wondering if the real problem lies elsewhere.

Wayne Hayes and Carolyn Ryan have been bickering about whether to choose peeled plum or chopped tomatoes for the past ten minutes, with both now experiencing a creeping doubt that perhaps their differences go beyond groceries.

Hayes said: “Maybe we have slightly different preferences when it comes to tomato texture and subtle variations in acidity, but maybe it’s because we haven’t had sex for three weeks.

“Personally, I think the supermarkets’s own brand of chopped tomatoes is fine – and she used to agrees.

“She used to like those tomatoes three times a week, sometimes five times if she was feeling really in the mood for a good tomatoing. She could not get enough of those tomatoes, which she now suddenly hates.”

Ryan said: “Do you really want to live the rest of your life with one tomato? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately.

“When you look around the shelves there are so many different types of tomato, some of which look delicious.

“Anyway that’s all it is, not big deal.”

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People who pretended to like Twin Peaks first time around facing very difficult summer

THE return of Twin Peaks means a long, hard summer for those who faked enjoying it first time around.

Director David Lynch has made 18 more episodes of the baffling mystery series, which is like a flu-induced nightmare but longer and with less internal logic.

Fake enthusiast Tom Logan said: “During the first Twin Peaks I was a young, tiresome student, eager to impress fellow knobheads with my enthusiasm for tastefully-lit surreal tripe. I never thought such youthful folly could return to haunt me.

“I’m getting celebratory messages from other pretend fans, who are secretly just as full of dread. I had really hoped parallel dimensions and people with unnecessary eyepatches were no longer part of my life.”

Former pretend Twin Peaks fan Mary Fisher said: “My friends are holding weekly viewing parties with black coffee and cherry pie, both of which I also hate.

“I messaged them to say that I preferred Kyle McLachlan as Trey in Sex and The City, so was going to re-watch that instead.

“I haven’t heard from them since.”