Who is Morrissey? ask young people

PEOPLE under 25 have demanded to know who this so-called Morrissey is.

Those born since 1992 are confused at the acres of coverage given to the reactionary observations of a middle-aged man with no apparent relevance or Christian name.

Susan Traherne, 24, said, “I asked my dad who this sturdy Elvis lookalike was. He told me was an acclaimed recording artist and I should treat his words with the same awe you would the Romantic poets.

“I then asked him to name any record he’d made in the last 25 years and he couldn’t.”

22-year-old Tom Booker said: “The bloke sounds like one of the more unhinged old geezers who sits right at the back in the Question Time audience.

“Yet every time he expresses a thought everyone freaks out like it’s the latest economic forecast from the Governor of the Bank of England.”

The nation’s grandparents are also baffled about the identity of Morrissey. 78-year-old Norman Steele said: “Isn’t he the zoo bloke off of Animal Magic? Why isn’t he hosing down an elephant?”

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Plan to confiscate gran's house and steal your inheritance strangely unpopular

A SCHEME to force the elderly to sell their homes and take away people’s inheritances is oddly unpopular with voters, Tory strategists have noticed.

Theresa May’s team is puzzled by the negative reaction to their plan to make Britons pay massive old-age care bills yet avoid raising more tax from companies and rich people.

A Conservative spokesman said: “We’d assumed pensioners would love to sign over their homes to mercenary private companies who see them as cash cows waiting to be sucked dry.

“I fail to see what’s so terrible about targeting people when they’re old and making them go through loads of stressful legal hassle.

“The worst thing is all these grasping children wanting to keep their inheritances. You won’t find anyone in the Conservative party expecting free money from their parents.

“We now intend to have a full policy consultation, by which I mean quietly ditching it while distracting everyone with some bullshit like Corbyn not respecting the army enough.”