Trains to run on lorries

RAIL upgrades will be ditched in favour of putting trains on the backs of lorries, the government has confirmed.

Instead of spending £38.5bn on the rail network, carriages full of passengers will be loaded onto flatbed trucks and driven to railway stations.

Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin said: “We need to move past the antiquated Victorian notion of trains running on metal rails.

“The UK’s extensively modernised road network is a far more efficient, albeit much slower and congested, way of transporting passengers to wherever they need to go.

“Simply board your train, remain in your seat while a crane lifts it onto one of our fleet of lorries and sit back and relax.”

McLoughlin stressed the plan would require a large increase in subsidies to rail operators, but this would be offset by a 40 percent rise in fares over three years.

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Dalai Lama can't wait to pay £12 for Glastonbury cheeseburger

THE Dalai Lama is looking forward to his weekend at the anti-capitalist Glastonbury Festival where organic burgers are just £12.

It is the Buddhist demigod’s first visit to the festival in his many lives, and he is particularly keen to queue for bottled water, pose for selfies with drunk marketing executives from Battersea and use the world famous ‘toilets’.

His Holiness 14th Dalai Lama said: “One may travel the world teaching the Four Noble Truths, but true enlightenment comes from using the EE phone charging Power Bar Exchange Point.

“Is the ordinary burger, available for just £3 at a train station, and the ‘dirty burger’ with smoked cheddar and Bombay fries for £12, merely the same burger, reverberating through time?

“I will move on from the intermediary stage of existence only when I have stood in a field next to drunks rapping out of time to Kanye West, repeatedly asking strangers if they’ve got any charlie.”

Glastonbury organiser Emily Eavis said: “The Dalai Lama wants to promote his message of compassion, non-violence and the oneness of humanity, so we’re hoping he’ll do something with Mark Ronson.”