THE UK’s rewilding programme will reintroducing wolves, wild boar and the Romanian pop duo The Cheeky Girls to uninhabited areas.
All former natives to the UK driven out by humans, the three species will have an immeasurably positive impact on the ecosystems which they used to thrive.
Conservationist Dr Stephen Malley said: “Since the disappearance of The Cheeky Girls from the UK landscape, we have seen a catastrophic loss of wildlife. We believe the two are linked.
“Just as we previously failed to appreciate the effect losing apex predators would have further down the food chain, we did not understand how novelty identical-twin pop duos no longer getting hits would affect everything from the fallow deer to the water boatman.
“The former Popstars: The Rivals contestants will be released into Delamere Forest and we hope they’ll be able to restore the optimism of the Blair years to the delicate balance of nature.
“This is only possible because we’ve been able to eradicate Lembit Opik from the British isles. Please, if you visit those areas, ensure he is not clinging to your car.”
Forest ranger Joe Turner said: “Soon we’ll hear the cries of ‘Touch my bum!’ echoing through the trees again, as our ancestors once did.”