UK to reintroduce wolves, wild boar and The Cheeky Girls

THE UK’s rewilding programme will reintroducing wolves, wild boar and the Romanian pop duo The Cheeky Girls to uninhabited areas. 

All former natives to the UK driven out by humans, the three species will have an immeasurably positive impact on the ecosystems which they used to thrive.

Conservationist Dr Stephen Malley said: “Since the disappearance of The Cheeky Girls from the UK landscape, we have seen a catastrophic loss of wildlife. We believe the two are linked.

“Just as we previously failed to appreciate the effect losing apex predators would have further down the food chain, we did not understand how novelty identical-twin pop duos no longer getting hits would affect everything from the fallow deer to the water boatman.

“The former Popstars: The Rivals contestants will be released into Delamere Forest and we hope they’ll be able to restore the optimism of the Blair years to the delicate balance of nature.

“This is only possible because we’ve been able to eradicate Lembit Opik from the British isles. Please, if you visit those areas, ensure he is not clinging to your car.”

Forest ranger Joe Turner said: “Soon we’ll hear the cries of ‘Touch my bum!’ echoing through the trees again, as our ancestors once did.”

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The parenting manuals to make you feel like a shit parent

UNSURE how this whole parenting thing is done and looking for reassurance? These parenting manuals will each undermine your confidence in a different way:

The continental earth mother

Relax, learn to put your child’s needs first, breastfeed them until they’re six and spend hundreds of euros on educational wooden toys from a sophisticated nation like France, Germany or Norway. Never stop your child from making a foul mess with paint, mud or your hopes and dreams.

The know-it-all psychotherapist

Investing in a manual by a qualified medical professional, backed up by scientific research, means you can be fully confident in the knowledge that you are f**king up your child no matter what you do. It’s all your fault for not having infinite time and patience.

The ‘real mummy’

No qualifications, no theories, simply an enthusiastic and kind stay-at-home Mummy who just happens to be a talented cook, keen crafter, and abundant fountain of energy and joy. One day of trying to parent like her and you’ll feel so bad about your failings you’ll stick your head in the Little Tikes oven.

The working woman who’s never had kids

If you want to be told it’s definitely ok to put yourself first, this is the book for you. But you’ll need to switch off all empathy to leave your kid crying and screaming until they calm, and once it’s off you may never care about any other person ever again like she clearly doesn’t.

The witty pisshead

Reads less like a parenting manual and more like an overly honest account of a frolicsome piss-artist’s descent into alcoholism and despair. But by God is Boozy Mumsy a good laugh! Here’s hoping nobody calls social services on her because those outrageous anecdotes are comedy gold!