Have you got Seasonal Affective Disorder or is this the worst winter ever?

GREY days and long nights making you blue? You might be suffering from SAD, or this might just be the worst f**king winter of any of our lives. Find out: 

You’re listless, depressed and it seems like there’s no point to anything. How long have you been feeling this way? 

A) Since around the end of September
B) Since around the beginning of March

What’s getting you down the most?

A) The short days, the long nights and the lack of natural light
B) The lockdown, being unable to see family or friends, unable to go the pub, impending financial ruin, the certain knowledge it will all go on for much longer than it has to because the government can’t do anything right, and it being a bit dark I guess

Have you become less sociable?

A) Yes, because the nights are drawing in
B) Yes, because it’s illegal

Have you struggled to concentrate at work?

A) Yes, it can be hard to focus on invoices when the weather’s so miserable
B) Yes, it can be hard to focus on invoices when there’s a plague racking up hundreds of deaths a day

When do you think you’ll feel better?

A) Probably when it starts brightening up in spring
B) When everyone’s had the vaccine, there’s a decent Brexit deal, Boris goes, billions in government debt gets forgiven and I can hug my mum again


Mostly As: This sounds like a classic case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, so get yourself an SAD lamp and order some vitamin D supplements from Holland & Barrett.

Mostly Bs: The good news is you haven’t got SAD, but the bad news is you’re right and everything is f**ked. Get yourself an SAD lamp and use it to grow weed.

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Trump agrees to leave White House for drive-thru McDonald's

PRESIDENT Trump has agreed to leave the White House in order to collect a Big Mac meal from a Washington DC drive-thru McDonald’s. 

The move, which Democrats have hailed as a concession and Republicans claim does not affect ongoing electoral court proceedings, comes after weeks of tense negotiations with the outgoing president.

Trump told Fox News: “This big, beautiful Big Mac meal has to be one of the best trade deals that has ever happened in the history of our great country.

“In a truly momentous moment for me and America, I have struck a deal that will allow me to leave D.C with my head held high and my mouth covered in signature Big Mac sauce.

“Sleepy Joe Biden never orders McDonald’s, because he’s the liberal elite. He doesn’t understand the incredible system of ordering over the speaker, paying at the next window and collecting at the last because he’s out of touch with ordinary Americans who voted for me, by the way.

“The Secret Service, who entirely back me as does every member of the US military, will be treated to a McFlurry each. That’s on me, okay? That’s on me.

“It’s been an honour to serve this country, as it will be an honour to be served a meal of overcooked hamburger meat in tribute to being the greatest president of all time.”