UK's biggest selling car is a goat

RECORD numbers of UK households are ditching the family car for a medium-sized goat.

Rocketing petrol prices, insurance and parking charges mean putting a saddle on a goat is now 64% cheaper than a Vauxhall Vectra.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis, who switched to goat last September, said: “We’re running a three year-old Anglo-Nubian female called Pickle. She doesn’t have electric windows but she will eat carrots that have been on the floor.

“When my thighs get sore I just strap on a pair of skates and loop some rope round her neck. If she gets tired I hit her with this stick.

“Security wise, there’s a length of chain I loop around her back legs and then padlock. It’s cheaper than an engine immobiliser and means I don’t get conned out of a grand if it goes tits up.

“And parking isn’t really a problem as traffic wardens are more inclined to give her some of their crisps.”

Hollis added: “She’s much better than the Seat Ibiza I had before, except that the Seat Ibiza didn’t shit wildly every 15 minutes and try to bite men in yellow jumpers. But unlike the Ibiza she can perch proudly on the side of a mountain, and show me the mid-sized hatchback that can be easily barbecued if you lose your job.”

The increasing popularly of goats has forced leading car manufacturers to devlop prototypes with low profile legs and a range of utterly superfluous technology.

Motoring journalist Tom Logan said: “Ford’s Angora ZR is a sporty, versatile goat with patented Anal Containment technology that reduces the greenhouse gas emissions associated with eating absolutely everything.

“It’s basically a cork, though you do have to take it out at night or the goat will burst.”



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MPs using jail to avoid electorate

MANY more MPs are expected to admit fraud in a bid to get away from whining, busy-body constituents.

Freshly convicted Labour MP Eric Ilsley is said to be looking forward to several months amongst a population that has no idea who he is or what he and his party has utterly failed to do for the last 15 years.

The parliamentary prison population is now expected to swell, leading to the creation of a convict gang called ‘The Backbenchers’ who will terrorise institutions with a regime of long-winded speeches and utter fucking lies.

Potato peeler and former MP, David Chaytor, said: “Wandsworth’s full of morally bankrupt lunatics willing to stab their colleagues for half a chunky Kit Kat. That said, there is slightly less anal sex.”

He added: “We’ve created a safe haven for politicians, free from the incessant harping of journalists and constituents. Who’s going to accuse you of being a lazy, two-faced, thieving shit in a place like this?

“And an unexpected bonus is that these chap’s views on immigration and paedophiles would be viewed as robustly fruity, even by Anne Widdecombe. If this place had a decent restaurant I’d never leave.”

Wandsworth governor Roy Hobbs said: “Prisoner 547219 has already tried it on with me by claiming double bedsheet allowance for his regular cell and a ‘work’ cell that he says he needs because it’s nearer to the kitchen.

“I’m also looking into claims he’s involved in a ‘snout for visitation rights’ scandal. It’s not like it used to be here – at least the rapists kept themselves to themselves.”