Reeves to end excessive bank profits with angry poem

SHADOW chancellor Rachel Reeves has vowed to end to excessive bank profits with an angry poem. 

Rejecting claims that Labour’s plan was to do exactly what the Tories have done for 14 years but caringly, Reeves promised that when her poem was finished nothing would ever be the same again.

She said: “This time next year we will be living in a new world, a world where everything is fair and everyone is nice. We will be living in the world of my poem.

“In every politician’s career, there comes a time when she is faced with injustice so great that responding with mere legislation is demeaning for everyone concerned. At times such as these I sit at my writing desk, pick up my pen and lets loose the tiger that stands guard over my soul.

“Would you like to hear it?”

Reeves then declaimed: “Fat greedy piggy and his trough full of money. Oink oink, piggy, your nose is all runny,” before pausing, seemingly awaiting applause. 

Keir Starmer stressed the poem was the ‘nuclear option’ after a series of initiatives including writing to the UK’s senior investment bankers and asking them to stop enriching themselves at the expense of everyone else. 

He added: “I have also met several of them in person. They told me to get f**ked, but I could tell from the way they said it that they respected my courage. 

“Thank goodness we now have the poem.”

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Undercover officer lured back with meat

POLICE hope to lure undercover officer Mark Kennedy back into a police station using a steak on the end of some thread.

Kennedy has gone missing after spending more than two years infiltrating some of the world’s most boring vegetarians in a bid to stop them making a big banner with a colourful bird on it.

But instead of gathering vital intelligence about beans and slightly out of tune guitars, Kennedy found himself agreeing with whatever it is they go on and on and on about.

A Scotland Yard source said: “It got to the point where Mark could read an entire newspaper column by George Monbiot without immediately wanting to frame him for something.”

Kennedy was one of series of undercover officers sent to infiltrate a variety of dangerous groups, including one officer who spent three years wearing some novelty dreadlocks and saying ‘yeah mon’ every 30 seconds and another who posed as an animal rights activist before falling in love with a donkey.

Upon capture Kennedy will be deprogrammed and then reprogrammed using a combination of beef products, some old episodes of The Sweeney and selected readings from Peter Hitchens’ new book about how environmentalism killed the Queen Mother.

The source added: “It’s basically a reverse ‘Clockwork Orange’ where the intention is to turn the patient back into a blindly obedient cretin.

“We’ll know it’s worked when we present him with a Sun crossword and he tries to eat it with his feet.”