LONDON’S tube drivers have launched their latest strike threat, claiming they are being picked off one by one by a family of voracious cannibals living in the underground system.
The union representing the men who get paid more than you to repeatedly press a button that stops and starts the train are demanding quadruple pay, 20 days’ extra holiday and biannual good quality hampers with expensive cheese as recompense for the peril.
They claim that despite repeated warning Transport for London has allowed the cannibal family to ‘run riot’.
An Aslef spokesman said: “As any Londoner knows, a family of flesh-eating troglodytes descended from labourers trapped by tunnel collapses during the original excavations haunts the subterranean network, preying on the unwary and tube drivers. But mainly tube drivers.
“Their clan leader, a wild-bearded individual known as Gorn, is seven feet tall, covered in lesions and carries a sharpened shovel that is perfect for decapitating our members. He communicates with his depraved family via fox-like yelps.
“The alpha female of the group, Targ, was injured by a train and may be dying, driving Gorn insane with vengeful blood-thirst.
“Therefore we would like some more money please.”
If the drivers’ demands are not met, Londoners could face strikes on most days ending with the suffix ‘day’ up to and including that special moment in April when all Britain will come together for the wedding of two very incredible young people on whose shoulders our entire destiny now rests.
Teacher Tom Logan said: “Strike action could prevent me from attending the large celebratory gathering planned at my sisters’ house during which we will toast the royal couple, play patriotic board games and talk to her neighbours.