UK's Love Of Dishwashers Outweighs Fear Of Cancer

BRITAIN is to build a new generation of nuclear power stations after consumers said their love of dishwashers outweighed their fear of cancer and four-headed babies. 

Concerns that building 20 giant bombs which could at any moment melt down and burn through to the earth's core sending the planet spinning off its axis and destroying the entire human race were set aside after it emerged that without nuclear stations there would be no Sky+.

And fears that large parts of the country could be turned into irradiated no-go areas populated by giant, flesh-eating rabbits which glowed in the dark were countered when it was revealed that without nuclear we would all have to eat Russian gas.

Wayne Hayes, a house-husband from East Lothian, said: "I'd rather have cancer of the balls than wash another dish. There's always just one more fucking fork in the bottom of the sink."

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she was worried about she would power her hair straighteners, iPod, second iPod and vibrating egg.

She added: "Without nuclear, it's hard to see how we can avoid descending into savagery."

Environmental campaigners said they too were dropping their opposition to nuclear power on the grounds it was clean, reliable and 'ever so French'.

Holly Trumbull of Greenpeace said: "Nuclear power makes you stylish, thin and looks upon affairs within marriage as an adventure. Vive la deformité."

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Jesus Congratulates Blair On New Job

JESUS has congratulated his friend Tony Blair after the former prime minister was appointed to a £500,000 a year post with a US investment bank.

The Son of God said that out of all his close friends, Blair was always the most likely to accumulate vast amounts of wealth at the expense of ordinary people.

Jesus said: "I'm chuffed to bits. We've always really clicked and he just totally gets what I'm on about.

"It's like when I said that thing about it being easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

"Tony realised straight away that what I was actually saying was 'peddle your influence for half a million a year with a really big bank'.

"Y'see, the beauty of it is he can do the bank number, help them exploit the holy living shit out of third world markets and have plenty of time left for a few other half-a-mil directorships. It's an incredibly sweet deal.

"And I'm totally made up that he went with JP Morgan too, because they have this long-standing tradition of giving all of their profits to the poor and hungry, as per my instructions."

Christ added: "Stuff like this always reminds me of that crazy day I stormed the temple and turned over the tables of the money changers. What an absolute hoot.

"You should have seen their faces. I'm going mental and they were all like 'what the fuck?'.

"Meanwhile I'm giving it, 'my father's house' this, and 'den of thieves' that, while totally trying not to laugh."

Sources close to Blair said he will use the money to get his wife's face repaired.