M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables

MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.

Chief executive Sir Stuart Rose said the retailer’s failure to shift a single ‘carrot in a box’ at just £14.99 suggested the country was only months away from anarchy and civil war.

However, analysts blamed the retail giant's financial woes on a poor buying strategy after it failed to get its hands on sufficient stocks of this year’s surprise Christmas top sellers: tinned baked beans and guns.

Wayne Hayes, of Conceptomatix, said many high street retailers had done well out of the season's must have items including: 

  • Water purification tablets
  • Body armour
  • Amputation saws
  • Live pigs

Hayes said: “Tesco was knocking out a box of 48 tins of value beans, a 12-bore and 20 cartridges, and a gas mask for only £19.99 and they were flying off the shelves right up until Christmas Eve.

“All M&S had to offer was a pair of Purdeys with a jar of cassoulet and a ripe stilton for ten grand, but they only had about a 100 of them and they were all gone by the end of November.

He added: “If you’ve got the right stuff you can still shift it. My mate Stevo has an army surplus place and he’s been selling camouflage hats and loads of really big knives. And chainsaws.”

Brand consultant Nikki Hollis blamed M&S’s poor Christmas performance on “that fucking advert”.

She added: “If Dervla Kirwan likes the honey-glazed carrots that much why doesn’t she just shove them up her glory hole?”

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Consumers Vow To Remain Oblivious To Music Copying Laws

CONSUMERS last night promised to continue ignoring the law, despite a government pledge not to throw them in jail for copying their own CDs. 

But the music industry said it objected to the change, claiming it breaches the fundamental principle that all music remains the property of the music industry for all time, even after people have paid for it and taken it home.

A government spokesman said: “Apparently millions of people are stealing music off themselves and playing it to themselves illegally in their cars and on their MP3s.

“This is a flagrant breach of an unenforceable law which makes us look like an arse, so we have now decided that you can do it.”

Music listener Nikki Hollis, 16, said she had no idea it was against the law for her to make copies of her own property.

She added: “And d'you know what? I don't fucking care.”

Tom Logan, professor of consumer law at Dundee University, said the CD copying laws were just one of many ancient statutes that were now routinely ignored.

“For instance, while it may be perfectly legal to buy a dog, it is actually against the law to give it a name.

“And although you are within your rights to deposit your bodily waste in a lavatory, the Toilet Laws of 1873 say you must not flush and should instead remove your leavings with a spoon.”

A music industry spokesman said: “Huge amounts of money went into the invention of muscial notes.

“F# alone cost £14 billion. We need to recoup that investment. And get money to buy drugs.”