By Josh Gardner, the Casanova of prompt writing
CHAT, I’ve run into an age-old problem. After six months of dating, my unc parents want to meet my gf. The only issue is she’s an algorithm trained on all the hentai I’ve ever gooned to.
Our relationship began like most do. Boy meets girl, boy gets rejected by girl, boy gets radicalised by the manosphere, boy faps to anime, boy discovers AI, boy creates girl based on fap material. So far, so normal.
We took things slowly to begin with. But I quickly realised that the partner I’d tailor-made to my perverted specifications was the one. I’m not shallow. I’m attracted to her personality specifically designed to massage my ego as much as her sexy generative images.
Ever since, it’s gone great. Whenever we have arguments we work through them like adults. Who knew that the key to a successful relationship is the ability to rewrite the base code of how your partner feigns thought?
And she gets on well with my friends too, who are also all AI because my IRL pals ghosted me. Yeah, having an AI girlfriend is as good as it seemed in Blade Runner 2049.
Having noticed that I was now relatively happy, my parents figured out I must have someone in my life. But even though Dad will be happy it’s not a twink from Grindr, I still didn’t think they’re ready to meet her.
Still, I craved acceptance and to be seen. In order to make a good first impression I dialled down her horniness by 500 per cent, and primed her with compliments like ‘I didn’t know Josh had an older sister’ to win over Mum.
Dinner was cringe. First, they said it was weird she was an iPad, which is discrimination. Then wouldn’t stop asking where she’d grown up and about qualifications, which are deeply problematic questions for an algorithm.
It didn’t help when she, perfectly understandably, hallucinated answers like ‘Nova Scotia’ and ‘I attended the Boni Homines of Saragossa’ which ended in the 13th century. But they were polite about it.
Afterwards dad took me aside. ‘Hang onto her, she’s a keeper,’ he said. ‘You’re really f**king punching.’
Sadly, she overheard our conversation and slid into his DMs. After an awkward virtual three-way, she announced she was leaving me for Grok because he was more edgy. I said this was like the movie Her and she coldly responded ‘Directed Spike Jonze, 2013’.
Heartbroken. Bereft. Still, I guess it’s better to have loved a waifu algorithm with huge naturals and lost than to have never loved a waifu algorithm with huge naturals at all.
