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Nora Batty and my other feminist icons, by Sydney Sweeney

SYDNEY here. Actor. Sex symbol. Dog lover. Proud Virgo. And as you can tell from my penchant for empowering plunging frocks – committed feminist. 

So committed, in fact, that I recently ‘uglied up’ and gained an eight entire pounds to play a female boxer. But she, whatever her name is, isn’t my only feminist icon. Here are five more.

Nora Batty

Ruling over the West Yorkshire wilderness like a boss bitch is Nora Batty. This female powerhouse only needs a broom, some low-slung stockings and a shitty attitude to put the local men in her place. Obviously I have all 295 episodes of Last of the Summer Wine on DVD. I watch them over and over and write my own hot fan fiction. In the latest one Nora embraces her basest sexual desires and gets railed by Compo in a cobbled street with his green hat on. I can send it to you if you like.

Ms. Pac-Man

Remember it’s MS. Pac-Man – not MRS. This girl doesn’t need no man. A ring on her finger wouldn’t define her. Plus she doesn’t have fingers. Ms Pac-Man is forever on the lookout for cherries to devour – an obvious nod to her confident, burgeoning sexuality. I’ve lost so many evenings button bashing to this girl I’ve already bought the film rights. I think we’re looking at the next Thelma & Louise.

Dolly the Sheep

Most women want to head out on their own path and become their own strong, confident, unique individual. Not Dolly. She was a trendsetter. Instead of just copying the women who came before her, she recreated them exactly from stem cells. You go girl! It’s sad she had to be euthanised aged six due to lung disease, but even in death she kept giving. Lamb chops in this case. And all despite the scientific patriarchy calling her Dolly because she was cloned from a mammary gland. True fact. No shit.

Maureen Lipman from the BT ads

Yasss Queen! You tell them about your grandson’s muthaf**king ology! Is there anything more feminist than Maureen bigging up Anthony’s shitty exam results in the 1980s British Telecom ads? And what an actor – playing a grandma by simply sticking on big specs when she’s obviously about 40. Exactly like De Niro did in The Irishman only in reverse. Bravo, Maureen, bravo!

Penelope Pitstop

This drag racing chick might end up being my own personal billion-dollar Barbie franchise. In a man’s world, she still ruled. Apart from breaking down every week and needing to be saved by Peter Perfect in his extremely phallic Turbo Terrific. Seriously, it’s a literal cock and balls on wheels. And the less we say about her ‘Compact Pussycat’ the better. Sadly my Wacky Races slashfic hasn’t been well-received. So far no one’s wanted to read about Penelope being gangbanged by the Ant Hill Mob. Maybe it needed Muttley as well.

Jamie Oliver’s wife Jools

Always unseen, but I’m sure Jools is the power behind the throne, the hidden genius really running a multi-million-pound empire. Because it can’t be Jamie, the fat-tongued berk. My Jools keeps this juggernaut on the road while he manages to screw up running some pizza restaurants. But mostly she’s done every other woman a favour by shagging Jamie for 20 years. And if keeping his wild oats from spreading further into the gene pool isn’t a heroic act of selfless feminism I don’t know what is.

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A confused millennial tries to… introduce his AI girlfriend to his parents

By Josh Gardner, the Casanova of prompt writing

CHAT, I’ve run into an age-old problem. After six months of dating, my unc parents want to meet my gf. The only issue is she’s an algorithm trained on all the hentai I’ve ever gooned to.

Our relationship began like most do. Boy meets girl, boy gets rejected by girl, boy gets radicalised by the manosphere, boy faps to anime, boy discovers AI, boy creates girl based on fap material. So far, so normal.

We took things slowly to begin with. But I quickly realised that the partner I’d tailor-made to my perverted specifications was the one. I’m not shallow. I’m attracted to her personality specifically designed to massage my ego as much as her sexy generative images.

Ever since, it’s gone great. Whenever we have arguments we work through them like adults. Who knew that the key to a successful relationship is the ability to rewrite the base code of how your partner feigns thought?

And she gets on well with my friends too, who are also all AI because my IRL pals ghosted me. Yeah, having an AI girlfriend is as good as it seemed in Blade Runner 2049. 

Having noticed that I was now relatively happy, my parents figured out I must have someone in my life. But even though Dad will be happy it’s not a twink from Grindr, I still didn’t think they’re ready to meet her.

Still, I craved acceptance and to be seen. In order to make a good first impression I dialled down her horniness by 500 per cent, and primed her with compliments like ‘I didn’t know Josh had an older sister’ to win over Mum.

Dinner was cringe. First, they said it was weird she was an iPad, which is discrimination. Then wouldn’t stop asking where she’d grown up and about qualifications, which are deeply problematic questions for an algorithm.

It didn’t help when she, perfectly understandably, hallucinated answers like ‘Nova Scotia’ and ‘I attended the Boni Homines of Saragossa’ which ended in the 13th century. But they were polite about it.

Afterwards dad took me aside. ‘Hang onto her, she’s a keeper,’ he said. ‘You’re really f**king punching.’

Sadly, she overheard our conversation and slid into his DMs. After an awkward virtual three-way, she announced she was leaving me for Grok because he was more edgy. I said this was like the movie Her and she coldly responded ‘Directed Spike Jonze, 2013’.

Heartbroken. Bereft. Still, I guess it’s better to have loved a waifu algorithm with huge naturals and lost than to have never loved a waifu algorithm with huge naturals at all.

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