Vegetarians' Gas Now 'Biggest Cause Of Global Warming'

VEGETARIANS are being urged to eat each other after it emerged their own gas was now the major cause of global climate change.

New research by the Vegetarian Society shows vegetarian emissions are responsible for more than 80 per cent of the most potent greenhouse gasses.

The Society is telling its members to start eating themselves immediately or they will kill all life on the earth “with their wind”.

Dr Stephen Malley, head of research at the society, said: “Vegetarian gas is a particularly harmful emission fuelled by an explosive mixture of lentils, mung beans and sawdust.

“You sit in a vegetarian restaurant and see a kindly old man in sandals quietly letting a stinky one off in the corner, I see a planet killing machine.

“It is no exaggeration to say that we are being killed by the mass effluence of trendy westerners.”

Dr Malley said the society had abandoned its policy of urging people not to eat cows after they realised that not eating them would not actually make them go away, and that cow farts were not that potent anyway.

He said: “Given the choice of standing behind a giant masticating cow and a giant masticating woman who has just eaten a tofu burger, I know where I'd rather be.”

Celebrity vegetarians have already pledged their support, with Paul McCartney promising to eat as many vegetarians as he can, starting with his estranged wife Sir Heather Mills.

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Ikea customers realise it's all shit

HOME furnishing giant Ikea is to cut jobs amid increased consumer recognition of the shitness of its products.

The company has grown into one of the most successful in history thanks to a combination of low prices and carefully targeted Swedishness.

Business analyst Wayne Hayes said: “For years people at dinner parties have been saying things like, ‘it’s actually really nice’ or ‘I don’t know how they sell it so cheap’ or ‘it’s probably made by slaves’.

“These latest figures suggest consumers have acknowledged that rather than being efficient and clever, most Ikea stuff is actually just a lot of shit.”

Hayes added: “We must also entertain the possibility that some people may have finally realised that there’s more to life than their fucking living rooms.”

Ikea said it will make radical changes across the business including its first ever range of comfortable chairs and a selection of kitchen cupboard doors that do not have to be refitted every 15 minutes.

From April 2016 the company will also include some basic form of meat in its hotdogs in a bid to improve the current recipe of baking powder and mechanically recovered chewing gum.

The downbeat announcement follows last week’s celebration of the one millionth ‘nice jugs’ comment at the company’s Edinburgh store.