The Campbell Diaries, Part 1: 'Bagpipes'

MAY 4, 1997: Moved into my Number 10 office today. Needs some decor. Will bring portrtait of Bob Maxwell from home. TB wants to 'hit the ground running'. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson has ordered a pommel horse for his office. God only knows.


MAY 17, 1997: Have taken up running. Helps stoke my aggression before I face the Lobby. Michael White from the Guardian is getting on my tits again. Would anyone really miss him if he just disappeared? Had a chat with Gordon today. Out of his fucking mind. Lovely bloke. Best of luck to him. Told Tim Allen to leave a burning bag full of dogshit on Max Hasting's doorstep.

JUNE 14, 1997: Leak a story to the Evening Standard diary about Princess Diana fancying me. She does. Oh yes. So do the Spice Girls and Patsy Kensit. TB wants me to push the 'Cool Britannia' theme. Told him to shut the fuck up and do as he's told. Peter Mandelson's office is now full of black leather and little Greek statues. What's that about?

JULY, 25, 1997: Bernie Ecclestone is very short. I mean, he's half the size of me. Maybe that's what drives him. He seems to get the birds as well. (Big cock?). Anyway, it turns out the million quid was a bribe after all. TB wants to give the money back, for a while at least. JP (John Prescott) doesn't have a problem with fag adverts but that's because he's proper working class. Told Tim Allen to leave a burning bag full of dogshit on Peter Hitchen's doorstep.

AUGUST 24, 1997: Michael White has finally gone too far. Called me a bully and a psychopath. He has no cocking idea. Currently have him gagged and locked in a cupboard in the Cabinet Office while I ponder my next move. Suspect he'll change his tune after 20 minutes with me and my 'bagpipes'.

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Blue Peter Editor Will Make Pets Fight

BLUE Peter will make its pets fight on screen if viewers don't pay its £50,000 fine for faking a competition result, the show's editor said last night.

Roger Morton will set Mabel the rescue dog on Shelley the tortoise if viewers do not pledge at least £10,000 by the end of the week.

Mabel and Lucy the Golden Retriever will then go head-to-head in the Italian Sunken Garden if the full £50,000 is not donated by the end of July.

Phone-in scams, extortion and dog fights have become increasingly common in the Blue Peter studio since the show was taken over by Triad gangs in 2003.

Mr Morton said Blue Peter was only caught because of a 'stupid fucking speccy girl' who had visited the show.

"We had got clean away with our little scam until that frumpy cow dropped us in it. It was a kid who ratted on us, so it's the kids who have to pay."

The editor said children could send in old milk bottle tops and plastic bottles 'if they must', but he was more interested in pocket money and parent’s credit card details.

He added: "Parents probably don't want their children turned into bedwetting neurotics by having to witness a much loved animal being eviscerated live on TV." 

Viewers could also raise money by running their own fake games at school or kidnapping their friends' pets and holding them for ransom, he said.

The BBC gave it's full backing to the latest Blue Peter fundraising appeal.

A spokesman said: "The alternative would be for us to ask the licence fee payer to pay the fine and that would just be an insult, wouldn't it?"