STORM Goretti has swept the country with snow, except in quite a few areas where not a flake fell and residents are understandably suspicious. Snow or hoax?
Reverend Tom Booker, vicar: “Here in the Scilly Isles it was two feet deep and cars were blown upside down. But I’m in the Scilly Isles, I could say gravity works the opposite way and you wouldn’t know.”
Margaret Gerving, retired: “Not a flake. Which leads me to conclude it’s all a scam by the working-from-home crowd. Extensively covered by the BBC, you say? Exactly.”
Steve Malley, joiner: “Some fell but not much, which leads me to take the sensible compromise view: the weather is being controlled by the Illuminati and they knew I needed to go to B&Q.”
Susan Traherne, headteacher: “Absolutely loads. Drifts of the f**king stuff, white as you like, whipping through the air. That’s why I had to close the school and have Friday off. Don’t look outside.”
Jordan Gardner, gamer: “Snow? Isn’t that more of a Christmas thing?”
