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'We're not pumping sewage in the sea, we're firing it at the French'

WATER companies have explained to customers on the south coast that they are not pumping sewage into the sea so much as firing it at the hated French.

Huge discharges of raw, untreated sewage across the coastline from Kent to Cornwall are not pollution but a deliberate campaign of biological warfare against Britain’s oldest enemy.

Southern Water executive Thomas Logan, who gave himself a 20 per cent pay rise and a half-million bonus last year, said: “Why let good shit go to waste when France is right there?

“We could easily treat that sewage, because we’re always investing and take public health very seriously. But, post-Brexit, it would be morally wrong to do so. Instead we’re giving it to the frogs with both bloody barrels.

“Sewage goes in the sea, sewage is taken by the tide, sewage washes up on French shores and ruins their fancy holidays and gets in their moules marinières and makes them all sick. It’s sweet revenge for those Dover queues.

“And you know what else? Illegal migrants are now sailing through a sea of turds. They’ll soon mutiny, give up and turn back. More effective than Rwanda.

“We will fight them on the beaches, Churchill said, and that’s what the brave sewage soldiers of Southern Water are doing. British beaches are merely collateral damage.”

Judging women entirely by their appearance: A foolproof guide

YOU can tell all you need to know about a woman by judging her on her looks. Here Martin Bishop explains why the conclusions you come up with definitely won’t be bullshit.

You’ll know if she’s ‘up for it’

A tight top and some flesh on display means a woman is likely to have sex with you. It’s just weird how they reject my advances 100 per cent of the time and frequently don’t sleep with me or anyone else. I expect I’ve just had a very long run of bad luck and it’s always their time of the month. 

Tattoos mean she’s on benefits

In 2022, tattoos are the preserve of bikers, squaddies and millionaire footballers. If a woman has tats she’s an aggressive benefits scrounger. Okay, Angelina Jolie, Lady Gaga and probably 98 per cent of the women in the UK don’t fit my dole stereotype. But they’re the exceptions who prove the rule, although don’t ask me to explain that. 

All that make-up means she’s promiscuous

Men and a surprising number of women agree that if a woman looks attractive she has too much make-up on, and is probably a bit of a ‘bike’. Just my luck that all the best-looking potential girlfriends sleep around! Although I’d still shag them. Or indeed anyone female. I’m not picky, and that’s fine for a man.

Lesbians always have chunky footwear

Any woman willing to be seen out in public in Dr Martens boots is clearly doing so to display her pride in being a lesbian. Cropped hair is the clincher that she favours supping from the furry cup. And there’s nothing wrong with that. This is a brilliant insight, and not me stating the obvious that certain groups of people often choose certain styles.

Women say ‘She’s too fat for that dress’ so it’s fine

Women love to judge their peers on the basis of their dress sense, and nothing gives them greater satisfaction than delivering a damning verdict like ‘Someone should discreetly tell Gemma she looks fat in that top’. Therefore it’s fine for me to see a larger lady and say witty things like ‘Thar she blows!’ because women who aren’t exactly slim themselves have already made a catty remark.

Never trust a badly-dressed woman with the weather forecast

Weather girls’ outfits are a source of fascination for both sexes. Obviously if she has a top that clashes with her skirt or needs to change her hair stylist, there’s no way she’ll get the weather forecast right. Just be glad you’re not on a trawler in the North Sea where your life may depend on it, and you’re just sitting at home making inane sexist judgements as usual.

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