WATER companies have explained to customers on the south coast that they are not pumping sewage into the sea so much as firing it at the hated French.
Huge discharges of raw, untreated sewage across the coastline from Kent to Cornwall are not pollution but a deliberate campaign of biological warfare against Britain’s oldest enemy.
Southern Water executive Thomas Logan, who gave himself a 20 per cent pay rise and a half-million bonus last year, said: “Why let good shit go to waste when France is right there?
“We could easily treat that sewage, because we’re always investing and take public health very seriously. But, post-Brexit, it would be morally wrong to do so. Instead we’re giving it to the frogs with both bloody barrels.
“Sewage goes in the sea, sewage is taken by the tide, sewage washes up on French shores and ruins their fancy holidays and gets in their moules marinières and makes them all sick. It’s sweet revenge for those Dover queues.
“And you know what else? Illegal migrants are now sailing through a sea of turds. They’ll soon mutiny, give up and turn back. More effective than Rwanda.
“We will fight them on the beaches, Churchill said, and that’s what the brave sewage soldiers of Southern Water are doing. British beaches are merely collateral damage.”