Who are these f**kers throwing their facemasks away in the street? An investigation

IN every city street and country lane in Britain an abandoned facemask lies dirty and forlorn. But exactly who are the twats throwing them away, and why? 

Stephen Malley, 44, joiner

“I dispose of facemasks out the van window because I don’t need a mask at home, and it’s not safe to leave them in the van cause they might have Covid on. I’m not some ‘putting your mask in a bin’ mug.” 

Susan Traherne, 36, HR manager

“I buy a pack of 20 disposable facemasks at the beginning of every day and change them every 42 minutes. I can’t put them in bins because the bins might be infected. Also I might have to walk as much as 30 metres to them.” 

Jordan Gardner, 29, game streamer

“This fake virus plandemic is a hoax perpetuated by the New World Order to abolish cash and get us all to sign up to 24/7 surveillance, and I’m not playing their game. But I need a mask to get Monster from Tesco Metro, so I put one on then throw it away after.” 

Thomas Booker, 42, City trader

“This year has made us all a little more reflective, a little more thoughtful, a little more appreciative of what we have. So every day I perform a mindfulness ritual where I thank my mask for its service then set it free from my penthouse balcony and watch it flutter gaily in the wind. Then I do some coke.” 

Grace Wood-Morris, 18, student

“I’ve got a selection of hand-sewn silk masks from Liberty for indoors, which I change to match my outfit. But I don’t want them getting dirty with exhaust fumes so I wear a paper one outside, and as I’ve barely used it I leave it on a wall for a homeless.” 

Norman Steele, 65, retired roofer

“A mask in the gutter? On Bradbury Street? Yeah that’s mine, thanks mate, couldn’t find the f**ker anywhere. I’ll get over there now and pick it up. Nice one.” 


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Why your partner is f**king wrong about the central heating

IS your partner insisting on turning on the central heating against your wishes? Here’s how to put them right about ‘being cold’.

It’s not winter

They claim it’s winter already, but it is clearly not. The sun was out yesterday for 10 whole minutes. You’re just wearing this jumper and scarf because you like them.

They think you don’t notice when they sneakily turn the heating on

Do they think they’re some kind of ninja, tiptoeing to the heating controls and pressing the ‘on’ button, in violation of all known relationship laws? Do they think you won’t notice that the house has turned into a sauna?

There’s this mad concept called ‘wearing warm clothes’

Your partner walks around in T-shirt and shorts then complains they are cold. Explain the concept of ‘warm clothes making you warm’, and don’t take any crap. Make them wear a duffle coat in bed if necessary.

They are showing a lack of respect

It’s pathetic that your partner declines to come and study the smart meter to see how much energy they are using. Threaten to report them to Greenpeace, even if they mutter that you have turned into your father.

They left the door open

Maybe only for a few seconds, but this is why they are cold, not because of the extremely low temperatures outside. It’s just not on to imperil your relationship and the future of the planet with their wanton love of warmth. Threaten them with divorce.