The professional Northerner's guide to more Covid restrictions

WITH a Covid clampdown in the North likely, Yorkshire resident Martin Bishop explains what will happen with a large dose of sentimentality and a chip on his shoulder.

Not mixing with other households

This is a bloody bugger for the close-knit communities of the North, where whole streets refuse to lock their front doors in case someone needs to pop in for a sympathetic brew or to borrow a pie. They’ll give you back two pies the next day, and I am not making that up.  

Pubs closing

All Northern pubs are full of friendly people supporting each other, so this is a blow. Luckily we’re dead hard – unlike Southerners – and will simply get cans and drink them outside in the freezing rain while casually discussing how warm it is. 

Not being allowed to travel elsewhere in the UK

Not a problem. I don’t want to live in a massive glass tower in London, which is where all Londoners live. The rest of the South is a government-subsidised paradise on Earth, but you won’t find me poncing it up in la-di-da Watford.

Restaurants closed

You can take your trendy restaurant food and stick it up your arse. I only go to a restaurant once a week for simple Northern fare consisting of marinaded chicken and lamb accompanied by saag paneer, coriander and mushroom rice, spiced cauliflower, fresh flatbreads and a saffron mousse, with an occasional dessert wine. 

‘Tier-three lockdown’

What the bloody hell is a tier-three lockdown? Sounds a bit fancy to me. But don’t worry – we’ll get through it with our Northern community spirit. A deadly pandemic and endless soul-crushing lockdown isolation will be fine once we’ve all had a nice cup of tea.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Sturgeon planning to catapult infected Scots into England

SCOTTISH people infected with Covid-19 will be catapulted into England to help reduce the country’s number of daily cases, Nicola Sturgeon has confirmed.

The first minister of Scotland has positioned hundreds of trebuchets, mangonels and onagers on the Anglo-Scottish border in her bid to hurl diseased Scots as far south as Carlisle.

Sturgeon said: “Closing pubs and restaurants in central Scotland was only ever going to achieve so much, so we had to start thinking outside the box.

“Our batteries of EU-funded siege engines will not only suppress the virus, they’ll also help boost our economy by creating hundreds of jobs for catapult builders and operators.

“Infected English people will even be allowed to take a ride on our catapults for a small fee of thousands of pounds. Of course the whole experience will be completely free for all Scottish residents.

“And if all that doesn’t make England want to get shot of us, f**k knows what will.”

If the scheme works, Boris Johnson said he might consider building comparatively shoddy catapults that point towards Wales in a fortnight’s time.