Saturday, 24th October 2020

The professional Northerner's guide to more Covid restrictions

WITH a Covid clampdown in the North likely, Yorkshire resident Martin Bishop explains what will happen with a large dose of sentimentality and a chip on his shoulder.

Not mixing with other households

This is a bloody bugger for the close-knit communities of the North, where whole streets refuse to lock their front doors in case someone needs to pop in for a sympathetic brew or to borrow a pie. They’ll give you back two pies the next day, and I am not making that up.  

Pubs closing

All Northern pubs are full of friendly people supporting each other, so this is a blow. Luckily we’re dead hard – unlike Southerners – and will simply get cans and drink them outside in the freezing rain while casually discussing how warm it is. 

Not being allowed to travel elsewhere in the UK

Not a problem. I don’t want to live in a massive glass tower in London, which is where all Londoners live. The rest of the South is a government-subsidised paradise on Earth, but you won’t find me poncing it up in la-di-da Watford.

Restaurants closed

You can take your trendy restaurant food and stick it up your arse. I only go to a restaurant once a week for simple Northern fare consisting of marinaded chicken and lamb accompanied by saag paneer, coriander and mushroom rice, spiced cauliflower, fresh flatbreads and a saffron mousse, with an occasional dessert wine. 

‘Tier-three lockdown’

What the bloody hell is a tier-three lockdown? Sounds a bit fancy to me. But don’t worry – we’ll get through it with our Northern community spirit. A deadly pandemic and endless soul-crushing lockdown isolation will be fine once we’ve all had a nice cup of tea.