Sunday, 1st November 2020

Man can't be arsed to fill his evenings

A MAN has admitted that, although his evenings are the most precious moments of his day, he just cannot be f**ked doing anything with them.

Stephen Malley spends every night from 6pm to midnight plagued by the sense that he ought to be enjoying himself while pissing about on his phone and vaping.

Malley explained: “I am aware that this is my leisure time and I should spend it doing something I really want to do. Some nights I muster up the energy for a wank.

“But largely my evenings just slip by, bringing me one step closer to the grave and six episodes closer to completing all 32 series of The Simpsons. So swings and roundabouts.

“I could play a videogame. I could read a book. I could teach myself to cook, using all that chef shit I bought at the beginning of lockdown. But mostly I find my greatest satisfaction is found in doing absolutely f**k all.”

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Free time can be a terrible burden. Some people suffer it so badly they have no option but to take up some kind of hobby, or even worse make plans.

“Mr Malley is doing the sensible thing by simply lying still and waiting for it to pass. What would be the point of doing anything else?”