Homeworker cracks usual 11am lager

A HOMEWORKING man has cracked open his customary elevenses of a can of lager. 

Network engineer Joe Turner fell into the habit back in April but believes that since it does not affect his work there cannot possibly be any harm in it.

He continued: “Back when I was in the office I used to have a Red Bull at this time of the morning, but the caffine makes me jittery and they’re full of sugar.

“So, one hot day in April, I went to the fridge and all I had was lager and I realised nobody was watching and I could have one if I liked. So I did. And you know what, it really breaks up the morning.

“I don’t overdo it. After my elevenses I stay dry until my lunchtime cans, then maybe I’ll have a cheeky one mid-afternoon before I clock off with four or so at 5pm.

“If I have a meeting I have a meeting. They can’t see the can, they can’t smell beer on my breath, they’ve no idea. In fact I’ve been praised for contributing more than I used to.

“People talk about the benefits of homeworking like no commuting, no boss breathing down your neck, all that. But they keep quiet about the benefit of being mildly pissed all day.”

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Are you happy or just stupid?

HAVE you managed to achieve emotional contentment or are you merely a cretin? Take our quiz and find out: 

What’s your first thought when you wake up?

A) Another day full of opportunities for wonder dawns. I am so grateful to be alive in this shining moment of glory.
B) F**k, what happened? It was night a moment ago. And how am I hungry when I just ate?

You look in the mirror and notice a grey hair. What’s your reaction?

A) Historically speaking, I’m one of a tiny percentage of humans to reach physical maturity while remaining in good health. This truly is the best time to be alive.
B) Brilliant! I won’t have to worry about getting carded when I buy a trolley full of beer after the pub closes.

What do you think when you watch the news?

A) It would be easy to feel scared, but the news thrives on sensationalism. I think of my blessings.
B) Bloody hell, Everton paid how much to sign Ben Godfrey?

Looking at your life so far, how do you feel?

A) It might not go down in the history books, but I’m proud that it’s full of small moments which have benefited others.
B) Can you repeat the question? I couldn’t hear you, I was using the hairdryer in the bath.

Any regrets?

A) Sometimes I worry that my pursuit of happiness has been selfish. That I could have dedicated myself to a higher purpose.
B) Learning to read. It only leads to trouble.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Congratulations, you’re happy, dull and condescending. Destroy a few brain cells by living a little for once, you boring twat.

Mostly Bs: You’re so thick it’s a miracle you’re alive. However you’re so oblivious that you’ve blocked out all of life’s nasty bits, so you’re onto something.