Runner replaces photo of husband and children with Strava route

A KEEN runner has replaced the framed photo of her husband and children on her desk with a print-out of her latest Strava route.

Mum-of-three Emma Bradford removed the photograph of husband Mark and their children at Disneyworld from her home office, swapping it for a map of the local park with an orange squiggle through it.

She said: “I work hard. When I look away from my screen, I need to see something that gives me a glow of pride, that reminds me what I’m doing all this for. Not him and the kids.

“I dragged my arse around the park in the pouring rain, knackered, at 7am, and still managed to do my 10K in 53 minutes. And I’ve got the Strava map to prove it.

“I hold the photos up to the camera on Teams calls when people ask what I’ve been doing lately. I could hardly do that with the family, could I? Everyone would just do sympathy face.

“I’m training for a half-marathon in March. If I get that done I’ve got my eye on replacing that boring old wedding photo we’ve got hanging in the hall.”

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Rishi Sunak's guide to retraining for a much shitter job

LOST your six-figure job? Exciting opportunities in the world of chicken de-beaking await. I’m Rishi Sunak, and these are the benefits of your new minimum wage career: 

For office workers

No more of that sedentary life cooped up inside under fluorescent lighting for you. See the world and get ripped by becoming a delivery driver. Those heavy Amazon boxes will do wonders for your biceps, and you’ll get a cardio workout running back and forth to your van.

For writers

It’s notoriously hard to earn a living from writing. This is not the case with gutting fish or grinding up turkey carcasses. A job in the processed food industry will give you a rare taste of financial security and authentic life experience to turn into a play you’ll be too exhausted to ever write.

For university lecturers

As Tories only really need Oxbridge, it doesn’t matter if all the other universities shut down. There are plenty of other opportunities for academics – if you’re a historian, why not wear 19th-century costume and give tours about ghosts or Jack the Ripper?

For skilled manual workers

There’s really little difference between assembling complex microcircuitry and making a double quarter pounder with cheese as far as I can tell. They’re both jobs you do with your hands, so much of a muchness. Accept your drop in pay with good grace.

For musicians

If you’re not a rich rock star, what business do you have calling yourself a musician anyway? Don’t blame us because you didn’t break America. Classically-trained guitarists can easily pick up Wonderwall for well-renumerated busking, and nimble-fingered pianists will be great at picking Brussels sprouts.

For artists

From Picasso to Tracey Emin, artists have made us ask ‘What is art?’ Who is to say woodstaining a fence or doing skirting boards duck-egg blue isn’t just as valuable to society as whatever’s on show at the Saatchi?  Once again the arts are safe in the hands of the Tories.