Science is bullshit, says man whose life has just been saved by it

DONALD Trump has confirmed that science, medicine and doctors are a load of bullshit.

The US president, whose life was just saved by cutting-edge Covid-19 treatments, held a post-hospital press conference where he advised everyone to burn their face masks and ignore doctors.

He continued: “While I was in hospital getting pumped full of medicines to stop me dying, I had a lot of time to reflect on what a bunch of losers these doctors are.

“They’re telling us to be afraid, to wear face coverings like a bunch of Muslims and even to hide our faces when we’re coughing like we’re scared of a little cough.

“They don’t even realise that even if you get the bug it doesn’t matter because you’ll get taken straight to your own private ward in a beautiful hospital with a unbelievable team of physicians whose sole job is to keep you alive.

“And the drugs they give you are just phenomenal. The most incredible drugs. At one point I was so out of it that I thought my attractive daughter was actually my wife.”

He concluded: “So don’t be afraid and don’t believe science. There is no coronavirus and I just beat it all on my own. Amazing. Thank you.”

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Gunnersaurus struggling with universal credit application

GUNNERSAURUS is struggling to complete his application for universal credit after being sacked by Arsenal yesterday.

The club’s dinosaur mascot, who has been in his position for almost 30 years, admits he is baffled by the byzantine application process.

He said: “When I was a young dinosaur it was simple. You went down the Job Centre, told them you’d paid your stamps and they’d hand over your Giro to cash at the Post Office.

“Nowadays it’s all online, which with the old paws I’m not so great at. And phone up and can you speak to a human? Can you bugger.

“Apparently I’ve got to wait over a month for my first payment. A month? I haven’t got any clothes apart from an Arsenal kit, and that’s not suitable for assessment interviews.

“I’m tied into a shared house rental contract in Tufnell Park – I live with Buzz Bee, Brentford’s mascot – and I need to eat 33 kilos of plant matter a day. I can’t manage that on £409.89 a month.”

He added: “Bubbles the Bear’s texted, from West Ham. Asking if I want in on this payroll van robbery. Well what choice do I have?”