What's happened to Boris's vim, vigour and insatiable desire to commit adultery?

by Daily Telegraph columnist Eleanor Shaw

WHERE is the Boris Johnson I voted for? The Boris of bounce, of exuberance, of childlike glee and crazy risks, the Boris unafraid to sow his wild oats? 

That Boris wouldn’t be afraid of the coronavirus. He wouldn’t be wearing a mask. He’d be unashamedly ushering a parade of eligible young lovelies into Downing Street to give them one in the Rose Garden.

But the nine-month anniversary of Boris’s election passed in September without a single illegitimate birth, let alone the one-man baby boom we were promised on the stump.

Where is his buccaneering brio, his zip and zing, his spunk and spaff? Why hasn’t he been caught banging Ivanka Trump up against the wall of the Oval Office?

We can’t blame Carrie. She’s just one more girl he got pregnant and, for the sake of appearances, got engaged to. An electoral promise to break like all the others.

But, sadly, Boris has changed. Instead of a prime minister unable to keep his cock in his pants we have a sober bore without even the basic verve to send a dick pick to Jacinta Ardern.

Why isn’t he using his 80-seat majority to enshrine in law that every bride’s honeymoon night should be spent with him in Chequers? Why is he not demanding an annual tribute of Scottish virgins? Why are so many Westminster wives going tragically unf**ked?

This is not the Boris we were promised. And, quite frankly, if he isn’t caught hanging out the back of one of Little Mix before the end of this month, he will lose my vote.

I’ll switch to Sir Keir Starmer instead. It’s all on the hush-hush, but apparently he goes like a f**king train.

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The middle-class guide to never quite saying what you actually mean

ARE you able to express yourself naturally and directly with no hint of apology? How dreadful. Here’s how to politely fail to say anything in a middle-class way instead: 

If you want something

Under no circumstances admit it. If offered a second helping of lasagne at dinner when you’d like nothing more than to plunge your face into the dish, try a casual ‘Only if there’s enough for everybody!’ Then apologise profusely while receiving it, while eating it and for an hour after.

If you’re angry

It’s unhealthy to keep anger pent up inside you, so release the pressure valve with biting phrases such as: ‘Don’t worry, that’s absolutely fine’ or ‘It’s so easy to eat somebody else’s lunch by accident, isn’t it? I know I’ve done it!’

If you dislike someone

Don’t like someone? Express it by being overtly thoughtful towards them. Nothing tells Mel from accounts you can’t bear her like saying ‘It’s such a shame Mel couldn’t be on this call’ or ‘Shall we plan surprise birthday drinks for Melanie?’ Oh, she’ll know.

If you want to know something

Only low-lives gossip. You merely have an interest, so find out what’s happening with Brian and his flash new Audi and dedicated parking space with non-questions like ‘Aren’t you pleased for Brian? I am’ or ‘Brian, eh!’ followed by peals of unexplained laughter.

If you hate something

Hate is a strong opinion and should not be expressed under any circumstances. So if faced with an activity you abhor like bowling, first agree enthusiastically then add ‘Though I am a teensy concerned about my torn rotator cuff’ or ‘You can take your own shoes, can’t you? No? Oh, what a shame I can’t come.”

If you fancy someone

Burning with desire and desperate to f**k? You’ve no choice but to keep them guessing.  Even when alone in a bedroom, confuse them by saying ‘So what happens now?’ or ‘Mmm, I’m just thinking about that lovely roulade from yesterday.’ That should avoid any gauche implication that you want a good, hard boning.