You thought 2020 was bad? Highlights of the year to come

GOODBYE and good riddance 2020, but there’s no reason to believe 2021 won’t be even more of a shitstorm. Prepare for these events: 

Dover lorry queues reach Newcastle

By February, lorries are parked nose-to-tail around the M25. By April it’s reached Peterborough and come September, the queue reaches all the way to Newcastle. Large communities set up alongside and drivers begin new families.

Food rationing

Those who look back fondly on the Second World War will discover their blitz spirit when they’re issued a pound of butter, half a bag of sugar, a lump of cheese and a sachet of Nando’s Peri-Peri salt to last a week.

Cod War Two

Finally the armed conflict with a European nation we’ve craved when a French fishing vessel strays into British waters and Cornish fishermen pull alongside and pelt them with rocks. The EU faces off against Britain and wins resoundingly.

Jacob Rees-Mogg becomes prime minister

It once seemed ridiculous that Boris could be PM. But in the wake of Britain’s thrashing, Boris is ousted in August by Jacob Rees-Mogg, who immediately brings back Victorian-style workhouses, caning in schools, the old money and a banging steampunk aesthetic.

Harry and Meghan enjoy blockbuster success

The creative output of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex is the sensation of 2021, with movies, podcasts, novels, an acid-funk single that hits number one and their own version of Love Island. The world thanks them for believing in themselves.

Plague of locusts

Biblical in scale, expect locusts some time in early December, turning the skies dark for several days. Nigella Lawson’s new show, filmed under a blanket during the swarm, demonstrates how to make them into party canapes and a vital protein source.

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Schools opened for that crucial infection-spreading few days

SCHOOLS in England are to remain open for a crucial few days to enable fast and efficient Covid transmission, the government has confirmed. 

Education secretary Gavin Williamson advised the public that if schools were not to reopen after the Christmas break there would be no way that pupils could catch the new strain of Covid and bring it home to their families.

He said: “Nobody needs to panic. It won’t be more than a few days, but that’s more than enough time to raise the R rate nationwide.

“Schools are closed in London because we’ve already overwhelmed the hospitals, but I couldn’t in all conscience deprive the rest of the country from these critical few days of exposure.

“By the end of the week the prime minister will be telling you that it breaks his liberty-loving heart to close schools right on schedule, but for now it’s business as usual for teachers, parents, pupils and Covid-19.

“We simply can’t risk quashing the spread of the virus when it might mean depriving children of up to four days’ education.

“It would be rank hypocrisy to call a national lockdown when the virus isn’t spread evenly throughout the entire nation. This should fix that.”