Woman only sees GP if internet self-diagnosis is serious

A WOMAN only bothers her GP when the symptoms she has Googled are life-threatening, she has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer, who has no medical training but does watch House, is fairly expert on the standard diseases, viruses and obscure neurological disorders so does not involve medical professionals unless she enters a search string that really hits the jackpot.

She said: “GPs don’t know that much about medicine. They’re so used to dealing with colds and bad backs that when a genuine case of Guillain-Barre syndrome walks through the door they haven’t got a clue.

“I wouldn’t bother them with flu, or Covid, or when I fall over and gash my head because you can just stick a bag of frozen peas on that. But when WebMD confirms this spot on my forehead is necrotising fasciitis, they need to know.

“I’m incredible at diagnosing myself. Once I’ve discovered exactly what it is I definitely have, I turn up with pages of printed notes, complete with pictures, and tell them precisely what treatment I need.

“It goes to show that you don’t need six years of medical school, just decent wifi.”

Dr Helen Archer, Kramer’s GP, said: “Yeah, she comes in here with three inches of print-outs claiming to have sub-Saharan river blindness. I prescribe asprin.”

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The Brexiter's guide to buying British

BREXIT has finally happened, it’s a great success, your next car should be a Morris Traveller and your next computer an Amstrad. Alongside these patriotic purchases: 

A mobile phone

Samsung and Huawei are spying on you, so you need a mobile that hasn’t been infiltrated by nasty foreign parts. Getting a GPO bakelite rotary phone in a 30lb backpack with a sturdy British 50ft steel aerial is the future. Internet available by writing to the manufacturer with 14 days’ notice.


The supermarket is out as even Sainsburys, that most British of shops, is part-owned by Qatar. Try outdoor markets run by ruddy-faced honest yeomen of the soil, or better yet start growing your own. Make sure to start last year or you’ll be eating handfuls of grass and mud until spring.

Television programmes

You’re in a bind here as the BBC’s Marxist propaganda, Channel 4 is basically porn and streaming services are American. So Loose Women, Tipping Point and Emmerdale will be all of your entertainment from now on.


No more going down to Primark to get a Bangladeshi-made top for a fiver. From now on, all your clothes will have to have been spun and woven within the UK. You will be able to afford one new outfit per year, and it will be a Fair Isle jumper.

A 100 per cent British-made car

Because the EU has systematically dismantled our motor industry to cripple us, you can no longer buy a brand-new showroom-fresh Austin Allegro. So buy a 40-year-old one with a top speed of 60mph and a vintage asbestos dashboard instead.