F*ck-Boots Must Stay On, Says Government

WOMEN who go out dressed in fuck-boots must keep them on in the bedroom, ministers said last night.

Trading standards officers have been inundated with complaints from men who claim they went with women in kinky footwear expecting them to be sexual deviants only to discover they were as adventurous in the boudoir as Kathy Staff.

A disappointed Wayne Hayes says he made a formal complaint to his local officers after he went home with one lady dressed like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman who then made him do it through a hole in her nightie, with the lights off.

Mr Hayes said: “If I was looking for that kind of experience I could have gone with one of my mum’s friends from the bingo like normal. At least then you know what you are in for. Teeth or no teeth.

“I thought I’d get tied up at the very least, and maybe some hot wax on my privates. Instead I got a friction burn off the nightie, which also brought me out in quite a nasty little rash. I didn’t even know you could still buy winceyette.”

Bill McKay, Director of Kink at the Pervert Institute, said the new regulations were necessary to protect ordinary demented sex fetishists from falling prey to impostors.

He said: “To me a six-inch spike heel says I’m going to be kept in the basement for a month in a gimp suit. What does it say to you?”

Harriet Harman, the minister for females, said women had the right to dress as they pleased but had to understand that with rights came certain responsibilities.

She said: “If they are black and leather and up to the knee then it’s ‘lights on’ as an absolute minimum. Look at you, you're all dirty.”

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Mccartney Apologises For Song About 'Japanese Lunatic'

SIR Paul McCartney has revealed that the mysterious final track on Abbey Road was actually a cryptic reference to Yoko Ono.

The former Beatle has ended years of fevered speculation over the hidden meaning of Why Don't You Just Sod Off, You Crazy Japanese Cow.

McCartney said: "I wanna apologise to Yoko. I admit I was angry at the time, but I think what I was really trying to say with that song was 'he's my best friend and you're ruining the greatest thing in the history of music you spoilt, pretentious bag of piss'."

McCartney's admission finally sheds light on the enigmatic lyrics, including: "Japanese psycho, shits in her hat in the church where a wedding has been. Looks like a bream."

And Beatles fans can now find new meaning in the song's closing refrain: "We're all sick of the yellow psychopath, the yellow psychopath, the yellow psychopath…"

The McCartney masterpiece is just the latest pop classic to give up its coded personal message.

Last year the George Harrison archives re-released the song he mysteriously dedicated to Eric Clapton, giving the late Beatle a posthumous top-ten hit with For Christ's Sake Would You Please Stop Fucking My Wife.