BRITAIN’S immigration policy is to be based on the use of Dulux colour charts, the government announced last night.
From April next year customs officials at airports and ferry terminals will grade new arrivals against a varied palate of earthy browns and creamy taupes.
The shading system will range from the industrious, educated tones of ‘Tropical Sand’ to the unskilled, non-EU crime-wave that is ‘Mocha Madness’.
A Home Office spokesman said: “The cut-off point will be somewhere between ‘Almond Beige’ and ‘Appalachian Spring’. Strangely enough, ‘English Brown’ is actually far, far too brown.
“Those deemed beige enough will be offered a job, a copy of the Metro and a complimentary Sky+ box.
“Meanwhile the undeniably brown will be told to get back on the fucking boat.”
The policy shift follows a year of intensive pressure on the government to adopt the so-called ‘Himmler Method’ of ethnic profiling, pioneered in Germany in the mid-1930s.
The spokesman added: “We’re also piloting a scheme that involves using calipers to measure the width of the nose and the circumference of the skull.
“Cranial dimensions can tell you a great deal about an individual’s ability to clean a hotel room.”