SOFTWARE giant Microsoft is to replace its built-in, anti-piracy systems with a vast army of ruthless mercenaries.
The company said faults with the so-called 'kill-switch' in its Vista operating system had convinced it to bring together the planet's most blood-thirsty soldiers of fortune.
Under Microsoft's new anti-piracy strategy the mercenaries will kick down your door, herd you and your family into the bathroom and then search for your computer using a sniffer dog and a PC World sales assistant.
Once located they will secure the area while the dog sniffs the equipment for traces of guilt.
If the animal starts barking the mercenaries will immediately pump 14 rounds into the machine before destroying the study – or reading nook – with a flamethrower.
The family will then be given a freephone number and told they have 30 days to validate the damage to their house.
The army, recruited largely from South American prisons, will number in excess of 500,000 and be paid in heroin.
The soldiers will be equipped with the latest guns and tattoos and all recruits will be given a free introductory copy of MS Streets&Trips.
Microsoft founder Bill Gates said: "You steal from me? You steal from me? This is my money. I made it and you are stealing it!"
He added: "You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friends!"