Microsoft Replaces Vista 'Kill-Switch' With Army Of Mercenaries

SOFTWARE giant Microsoft is to replace its built-in, anti-piracy systems with a vast army of ruthless mercenaries.

The company said faults with the so-called 'kill-switch' in its Vista operating system had convinced it to bring together the planet's most blood-thirsty soldiers of fortune.

Under Microsoft's new anti-piracy strategy the mercenaries will kick down your door, herd you and your family into the bathroom and then search for your computer using a sniffer dog and a PC World sales assistant.

Once located they will secure the area while the dog sniffs the equipment for traces of guilt. 

If the animal starts barking the mercenaries will immediately pump 14 rounds into the machine before destroying the study – or reading nook – with a flamethrower.

The family will then be given a freephone number and told they have 30 days to validate the damage to their house.

The army, recruited largely from South American prisons, will number in excess of 500,000 and be paid in heroin.

The soldiers will be equipped with the latest guns and tattoos and all recruits will be given a free introductory copy of MS Streets&Trips.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates said: "You steal from me? You steal from me? This is my money. I made it and you are stealing it!"

He added: "You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friends!"

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'Genius' Chimps Spend All Day Throwing Shit

GENIUS chimps who beat students in an intelligence test still spend most of their day throwing shit at each other, scientists confirmed last night. 

Dr Wayne Hayes, director of chimps at the Monkey Institute, said he thought the memory challenge overstated the chimps’ intelligence as none had showed any humility in victory.

He said: “All they did was frantically scratch at each others privates and bare their arses at their poor opponents. I don't call that clever, do you?”

He added: “The main thing they all seem to remember very well indeed is my face, what time I come to feed them, and where it was they left a really smelly, sticky piece of chimp shit.

“They are also very good at remembering that my assistant Rebecca does not like being chased around a cage by a gang of hairy arses with bright pink erections.”

Dr Hayes cautioned against attributing too much significance to the chimps’ success in the tests pointing out they had only defeated a group of first-year university undergraduates.

“Out of that lot, I know who I'd choose to go to Starbucks for me,” he said.

One other key test of memory devised by Dr Hayes involved the offer of free tickets to see the Spice Girls on their reunion tour.

He added: “The students accepted immediately, but every single chimp said ‘no thanks’ on the grounds they remembered the video for Viva Forever.”