Free 'Editor Of Heat Is A Total Prick' Sticker For Every Reader

IT'S our most exciting reader giveaway ever!

In a special festive treat the Daily Mash is giving every reader a free sticker declaring that the editor of Heat magazine is a total prick!

First print out the sticker, then cut carefully around the edge with a pair of scissors. Next, apply some Prit-Stick to the back, making sure you don't miss bits.

Now you're ready to wear it proudly on your coat or, if you're feeling crazy, why not slap it on the front of your favourite hat?

And if you're feeling up to it, you could print out dozens of stickers, go down to your local newsagent and paste them over every copy of Heat magazine you can find.

Next week's free sticker: 'The Editors of OK, Hello, Love It, Now, Star, Reveal and Closer Bathe in Their Own Shit'

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Britain's Oldest Cat 'Hates Asians'

BRITAIN'S oldest cat hates Asians and thinks the Siamese are all 'bi-sexual scroungers', it emerged last night.

Pussywillow, 26, spends most of her time urinating on old copies of the Guardian and is scared to go out at night in case she is mugged by Abyssinians 'high on skink'.

According to owner Lin Brown, Pussywillow has become increasingly intolerant of ethnic breeds and those pursuing alternative lifestyles since she entered her second decade.

She said: "She is extremely uncomfortable in the presence of gay cats, even though she doesn't have a clue what they get up to.

"She does not like to see tomcats licking their own balls and if she saw them licking each others she would call the police.

"I've also noticed that when I'm reading the Daily Express, she will jump into my lap and purr contentedly."

Ms Brown said that when Pussywillow was young, a cat could go out, leave its flap unlocked and not have to worry about its meaty chunks and its thing with the bell attached.

"Nowadays, the whole lot would be stolen by a gang of Burmese and then sold to buy drugs, mackerel and easy mice," she said.

She added: "We talk about the old times a lot. I think she's just glad Mr Willow did not live to see it all go wrong. He fucking hated blacks."