A winter without food is just what obese Britain needs. By The Daily Telegraph

THERE’S talk of a cost of living crisis. Of spiralling inflation. Of families being forced to choose between heating or eating. Well, as that great statesman Jacob Rees-Mogg would say, ‘Hallelujah!’

As a country, it would do us the power of good to go a few months without food. Not Telegraph staff like me personally, although I would relish the challenge faced by our World War II forebears forced to eat nothing but iron railings during the character-building winter of 1939.

We need to remember our history. Only the aristocracy and royal family regularly ate food up until the late 19th century, and rightly so.

Peasants might be treated to a hearty stew of giblets and turnips, one bucket per village, on festivals such as St Swithin’s Day, but they got 18 hours of exercise a day working in the fields. Later they ate a sensibly frugal diet with the help of their slave wages at factories and mills.

But then, thanks to champagne socialist Charles Dickens, we were spoiled by high-calorie Christmas turkeys for all, paid for by benevolent wealth-creators.

Worse still, the horrendous welfare state of 1945 aimed to make sure no child went hungry. In an unbelievably irresponsible act, Bevan’s woke do-gooders gave full-fat milk to small children.

We are still living with the results of this sentimental nonsense. 20-stone blob-people on mobility scooters clogging up the pavements as they trundle to grab their handouts at the benefits office. Fat nurses in hospitals when they should all be thin and pretty. My daughter’s class photo ruined by an unsightly plump child. 

If ordinary Britons are priced out of the food market, it is all to the good. It will make us leaner, hungrier, and yes, in many cases, deader. But there’d be no disgusting fatsos blocking the aisles when I’m filling my trolley in Waitrose.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Are you 'quiet quitting' or just doing your f**king job? Take our quiz

‘QUIET quitting’ is the latest bullshit buzzword to sweep the tabloids. So have you started doing the basic minimum at work? Find out with our quiz.

What time do you get to work?

A) I shuffle in ten minutes late looking hungover. It’s happened so often people assume this is my contracted starting time.

B) Two hours before everyone else. That way I look really productive despite only pissing about on social media all morning.

How much work do you do per day?

A) Exactly what needs to be done to prevent me from being fired and nothing more. If the company pays minimum wage they’re going to get minimum effort.

B) As well as performatively completing my own duties, I like to micromanage everyone else’s workload. This impresses colleagues because I am an office junior on my notice period.

Your boss needs you to take on extra duties. How do you react?

A) I quietly let them say their piece then forget all the details once they’ve finished. If they ever chase me up on it I’ll say it’s ‘on my to-do list’.

B) I gladly take it on then whip up an unnecessary spreadsheet to track my progress. When I achieve any sort of minor goal I shout ‘Result!’ in the pin-drop silence of the office.

Life outside of work is…

A) Obviously way more important. That’s why I spend most of my working day daydreaming about it instead of toiling away on my meaningless tasks.

B) An irritating obstacle that gets in the way of sitting at my desk and hammering my keyboard. I would come in at the weekend if security didn’t keep turning me away.

It’s 5 o’clock. What do you do?

A) Instantly stop what I’m doing, grab my coat and head for the door. Even if I’m halfway through a presentation, I’m off. Nobody can get annoyed because according to my contract that’s technically fine.

B) Bid my colleagues goodbye as they leave then hunker down for a fun evening of staying on late. If I keep up this grind my boss is bound to respect me.


Mostly As: This is perfectly normal work behaviour, don’t let the papers trick you into thinking you’re quiet quitting. In fact you could probably afford to take a few random sickies every now and then. You’ve earned it.

Mostly Bs: You are a tedious over-achiever who has been indoctrinated by hustle culture. Have you thought about quiet quitting? It’s where you turn up to your job and wearily do the bare minimum. You’ll feel much happier and get paid exactly the same.