Please tackle inflation by doubling my mortgage, homeowners beg

HOMEOWNERS are begging the government to counter inflation by doubling their monthly mortgage payments as soon as possible.

Mortgage holders, who all borrowed as much as they could because they vaguely remembered Kirstie Allsopp advising them to in the 00s, believe there is no other way to beat the inflationary price rises devastating their household finances.

Tom Booker of Swindon said: “The most effective lever against inflation is interest rate rises. So instead of pissing about with half-a-percent, let’s jack it right up.

“Inflation’s ten per cent? Then match it, like James Bond at the poker table. Raise interest rates to ten and stare inflation right in the eyes, daring it to make the next move.

“My mortgage? Well, currently I’m paying £1,056 a month, which is a stretch because I’m on a wage freeze, but I’m sure I could handle £1,817 with heating bills, petrol and food prices all plummeting because inflation’s beaten. That’s how it works, right?”

Susan Traherne of Whaley Bridge agreed: “My husband’s been laid off, our savings are gone and I’m struggling to buy a week’s worth of groceries. So the Bank of England needs to step to it. Bring the pain. Whatever it takes.”

Lucy Parry of Reading said: “What a hilarious time to not be a homeowner. Squeeze those bastards until they f**king bleed. Ah shit, my rent’s just gone up and now I’ve got £4 a week for everything else.”

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Calling people lazy f**ks will definitely make them vote for me: The political genius of Liz Truss

HOW have I got to where I am today, about to take over from a worse-than-useless predecessor and become PM of a failing nation? My political genius, of course. Let me share some tips.

Never miss a photo opportunity

This is a tip I learned from Boris Johnson. In lieu of actually being able to do anything useful, dress up as somebody who can. I’ve cosplayed as many things, including train driver and tank commander, none of which I’d be remotely capable of in real life. I’d crash the train and wee myself in a tank battle, but it’s all about the ‘optics’.

Call struggling people lazy f**ks

Nothing makes people struggling with a cost of living crisis feel better than calling them lazy, workshy scum. It will spur them on to work harder and earn more, which will stop them being poor and fix the economy. Well, probably. I don’t really understand all that stuff, but who does?

Give memorable speeches

Not inspiring, statesmanlike ones, but speeches that sound like you’ve accidentally eaten a hash brownie and don’t want anyone to realise. You’ll remember my infamous ‘cheese imports’ oratory, of course. It will go down in history. Like Churchill’s famous war speeches, but completely mental.

Don’t be afraid to say mad shit

Politics isn’t just about being sensible and thoughtful. Sometimes you’ve got to mix it up by saying mad shit, like when I said I’d support Brits going to fight in Ukraine. You know, even those with no military training. It wasn’t batshit, it was insightful in a way you don’t understand because you didn’t go to Oxford like me.

Be white

If there’s one incredibly clever trick I know for getting on in politics, it’s being white, especially if you’re relying on paid-up Conservative party members to vote for you. This might not have quite as much currency come the general election, but I’ll have done something mental by then, like selling Wales to China or saying we need a dictatorship, so it probably won’t matter.