IT’S the moment every parent dreads – your child failing to get into their Oxbridge college of choice. So what do you do next? Overambitious parent Charlotte Phelps gives her advice.
Don’t do anything ‘stupid’
If you haven’t got into Oxbridge, you may feel there is nothing to live for. But you can still have some sort of life, maybe as a wretched little regional bank manager. However if things are really bad, eg media studies at Aberystwyth via clearing, then it’s like you’ve entered the netherworld anyway.
Contact your back-up offer immediately
Get straight on the phone to your second offer. A place studying politics at Reading is very much the booby prize, but at least you won’t be stuck at home, a constant source of shame to your parents, like Prince Andrew.
Disappear
Leave in the small hours and start a new life far away, maybe as an anonymous road sweeper or a Scottish lobster fisherman. Only return home once you have made amends by getting a job with Arthur Andersen. When you’ve failed to get a place dossing about smoking weed at a top university, it’s the only honourable thing to do.
Accept that you are a failed child and sibling
If you were the favourite child, that now falls to younger siblings who may still study law at St John’s or Corpus Christi. Also prepare for a less warm relationship with your parents. If you ask for a DJ mixing desk for Christmas, expect a Toblerone.
Claim you always planned a year out
Really you’ve been forced into resits and reapplying, but this might fool some people. It can even sound quite impressive as you share your frankly worthless knowledge of Thailand. It helps if you can cadge more money from your parents without feeling shame after already costing them bloody thousands in private tutors. Don’t get eaten by a shark in Phuket, eh, Hugo?
Lie
You can always attend some intellectual and social cesspit of a university, and simply pretend you went to Oxbridge. To convince people, overcompensate by wearing a blazer and cravat, and saying things like: ‘Jolly fine punting weather, what? I say, where’s Boffo? He owes me tiffin.’
