DO you find dining with friends in a garden on a summer evening pleasantly aspirational? Here’s how to overlook the many downsides of eating outdoors.
Furniture
Smile enthusiastically while trying to ignore the wobbling of the uncomfortable cast iron and glass seating on the uneven patio. Or you may be forced to sit on a plastic patio set with chairs that don’t fit under the table. Grin and bear it. Literally.
Insects
A staple of eating outside in the British summer is swatting away nosey hoverflies, wasps and whining midges showing more interest in the bland Tuscan pasta than it deserves. Channel your annoyance into pathetically saying ‘Shoo!’ and ‘Pesky fly!’ rather than screaming, ‘Can we not just eat pizza in front of the TV, like normal people?’
Heat
The perfect temperature for eating outside will only last for three minutes. Before then it will be too hot, after that too cold. Inconvenience the host by asking to retrieve a layer of extra clothing you brought just as each course is being served. Or rely on the candles to provide a pathetic bit of heat in the encroaching cold. Just don’t get so close you set your hair on fire.
Food
As the tablecloth whips up in the wind again, resist the temptation to use the not-very-nice pate starter to glue it down. If the main course comes with a sauce, watch closely like a lifeguard to remove drowning flies before you end up chowing down on them. But most importantly maintain the facade and don’t blurt out that it’s so f**king cold can you skip the ice cream and have a Cup-a-Soup?
The loo
Excusing yourself briefly or to fix windswept hair is fine. But relieving yourself next to a open bathroom window lets everyone know what you’re doing. Especially if you’ve been in there for a while obviously doing a shit, then have to cough loudly to disguise the noise of a second flush.
