Rubbish holiday gifts to bring back for your friends and family

ARE you away on holiday and feeling obliged to bring back gifts for the saddoes back home? Here are some lazy choices that will delight nobody.

Tacky memorabilia

Give something gaudy with the name of the luxury holiday destination where you are ‘making memories’ and the recipient has never been. A Galápagos Islands fridge magnet reminding them how much better your holidays are than theirs is pretty cruel. In fact, any fridge magnet is shit. You could at least go for a keyring or tea towel that has a practical use. Don’t.

The same for everybody

That ‘special’ bottle of balsamic vinegar for Mum will seem like a thoughtful gift until she sees the exact same bottle at your sister’s house and your brother’s house and your granny’s house… and your laziness is exposed. Maybe they’ll get the message and stop buying you things when they go away and the whole ‘generosity’ charade can end.

Lethal local alcohol 

Rough-as-f**k sangria is the classic. But try a bottle of local spirit that may cost them their eyesight. And they can’t even re-gift it because everyone knows they’ve never been to Mexico. Instead, it will take up space on their alcohol shelf until the day they die, periodically tricking them into thinking they’ve got an extra bottle of wine left, only to be disappointed just when they fancied a drink. 

An accessory

Gifting a scarf or a necklace for someone you see regularly is a curse, as they’ll feel obliged to ruin their outfit with it every so often so as not to offend you. And even more of a nightmare when it’s some enormous shell necklace or garish rock bracelet from a beach they never went to that everyone’s going to ask questions about. 

Airport panic-buy

Nothing says ‘I don’t give a shit’ like a present you clearly bought at the airport. A cut-price bottle of vodka, a novelty pack of M&Ms – something that has absolutely no relation to where you’ve been on holiday. It’s so obviously a panic-buy just leave it in the duty free bag and don’t even bother to pretend. On the upside, at least they may enjoy it. 

Something good

Buying something expensive and/or genuinely thoughtful is the worst thing you can do. Because now your friend is going to feel obliged either to ruin their own holiday trying to find something equally lovely to reciprocate, or feel shit about the lousy present they’ve already got you (see all of the above).

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Degenerate freaks without families don't deserve help, political leaders confirm

PEOPLE who are not members of ‘hard-working families’ are strange freaks of nature who do not deserve government help, all major parties have confirmed.

Single people, childless couples and those in any kind of non-traditional relationship may as well not exist and certainly will not receive any assistance if struggling this winter.

A cross-party spokesman said: “There’s not much that unites the political parties, but they all agree that the only people who matter are hard-working families. It’s the only group they talk about, if you listen carefully.

“Anyone who doesn’t fall into that bracket doesn’t count as a citizen of this country, especially if they’re sad, lonely singletons. Gays are problematic too. And definitely those polyamorous weirdoes.

“Being widowed is acceptable and single parents are tolerated, because they were once part of a family, even though they ultimately f**ked it up.

“Also, you have to work hard, which only counts if you do an 80-hour week and never get to see your kids. That’s what happy, healthy family life is all about.

“So yeah, we’ve all agreed. Apart from the Green Party, but everyone knows they’re just a bunch of depraved, vice-ridden hippies. Without kids, probably.”