Alcohol-free dinner party really, incredibly long

GUESTS at a dinner party are bitterly rueing their host’s reckless decision to make this one ‘booze-free for a change’. 

The group agreed to go along with the idea because of the whole Stoptober thing and to prove to themselves they did not need alcohol, a choice which now seems millennia ago.

Mary Fisher said: “You know at the beginning of the dinner party it’s silent and awkward, then everyone warms up and it just gets more and more fun? Turns out we were just getting pissed.

“These may be my best friends in the world but I’m not sure I’ve ever spent four hours with them sober, and it appears it’s three-and-a-half more hours than we have conversation.

“It was like at work, where you don’t dare glance at the clock because when you do, you’re horrified at how few minutes have passed? That, but for eight people simultaneously.

Host Tom Logan said: “It was hell. But a crisis meeting in the kitchen came up with the idea of tipping enough Grand Marnier in the tiramisu to kill a racehorse.

“After that everything went a lot smoother.”