Alcohol-free dinner party really, incredibly long

GUESTS at a dinner party are bitterly rueing their host’s reckless decision to make this one ‘booze-free for a change’. 

The group agreed to go along with the idea because of the whole Stoptober thing and to prove to themselves they did not need alcohol, a choice which now seems millennia ago.

Mary Fisher said: “You know at the beginning of the dinner party it’s silent and awkward, then everyone warms up and it just gets more and more fun? Turns out we were just getting pissed.

“These may be my best friends in the world but I’m not sure I’ve ever spent four hours with them sober, and it appears it’s three-and-a-half more hours than we have conversation.

“It was like at work, where you don’t dare glance at the clock because when you do, you’re horrified at how few minutes have passed? That, but for eight people simultaneously.

Host Tom Logan said: “It was hell. But a crisis meeting in the kitchen came up with the idea of tipping enough Grand Marnier in the tiramisu to kill a racehorse.

“After that everything went a lot smoother.”

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Northerner attempts to pay on London bus with correct change

A NORTHERNER visiting London has caused chaos after attempting to pay a bus driver with exact change. 

Carlisle resident Tom Booker was enjoying a three-day trip to London when he found himself in a dispute with a bus driver over what those round shiny things in his hand were.

Booker said: “I’m no yokel. I know you need the right money on buses these days. And I wasn’t being cheated out of 65p.

“But I couldn’t see that little metal dish you put the money in anywhere, and the driver kept barking ‘contactless’ at me even though I wasn’t even trying to touch him.

“I held out a fiver, assuming the fare had gone up, but that only seemed to aggravate him more. Finally the woman behind me muttered ‘fucksake’, did something that beeped and he waved me on.

“I still don’t know the trick of it. Maybe it’s some secret London code? Either way, I can’t wait to get back on the tube where I can use my Travelcard.

Commuter Emma Bradford said: “The poor bastard was holding the whole bus up so I tapped him through with my debit card. We all winced when he left cheerfully thanking the driver.

“It’s painful how ignorant these idiots are of how to do things in London. Where is ‘Carlisle’, anyway? Wales?”