The six best sexual positions you'll only do three of

BORED of your sex life? Why not read about these wild new sexual positions, suggest to your partner you try them, and then not bother because surely sex is one thing you shouldn’t over-complicate? 

MISSIONARY: The tried-and-true favourite, popular with men and women but has the unfortunate side-effect of slight guilt that you’re not trying something more adventurous like the glamorous people do. So you will, then you’ll go back to this.

COWGIRL: Otherwise known as ‘Her On Top’ or ‘Her Best Chance Of An Actual Orgasm’, this enduring popular position is unfashionable because it’s popular. Kate Moss would probably call you a ‘basic bitch’ for doing it. Can you really risk an imaginary diss from a middle-aged supermodel?

DOGGYSTYLE: The last of the positions you’ll actually bother with, this one’s good but tends to tempt men to slap arse like a jockey on a racehorse. Also you’ll have to put the fitted sheet on again afterwards, and is it worth it when you could do it another way and save yourself the trouble?

REVERSE COWGIRL: Like cowgirl, except instead of facing your partner you’re looking at that mysterious stain on the wall and all that stuff you should tidy up on the drawers instead. Not recommended if the lady has an ill-advised Take That backpiece.

SPOONS: Combines sex and sleep, or to be honest unfavourably compares sex to sleep. If you’ve got kids and/or a demanding job will simply become sleep. And you’d finally got round to having sex.

ONE WHERE SOMEBODY’S GOT A LEG IN THE AIR: After this there are loads of positions, all of which involve one partner having one or more legs in the air. You will tire of having a leg in the air so quickly. Even Stormy Daniels only does leg-in-the-air for 45 seconds. Go back to missionary, and be glad.

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Vicar unable to explain plot holes in Bible

CHILDREN at a Sunday school are asking their vicar more and more difficult questions about the Bible, none of which he seems able to answer. 

The class have subjected the book to the same rigorous analysis they use on Marvel movies and have found numerous inconsistencies which Reverend Tom Logan is unable to solve.

Nine-year-old Susan Traherne said: “We’re not asking complex stuff. It’s like, when God flooded the Earth why didn’t he punish the fish?

“Why did He send all those plagues to Egypt when He could have just freed the Israelites himself? Why does it all happen in the Middle East and never mention, like, China?

“Could the people building the Tower of Babel not just work out what each other were saying after he gave them all different languages? When I went to Lanzarote, I bought an ice-cream just by pointing.”

Reverend Logan said: “I’m brushing them off with the old ‘mysterious ways’ line, but these are internet kids. They’re Googling fan theories and not liking what they find.

“I’ve emailed the Archbishop of Canterbury, but I think we’re going to have to declare the whole thing non-canon and do a reboot. It worked for Spider-Man.”