Blueberries 'up themselves'

BLUEBERRIES, the small posh fruit that claims to be an antioxidant superfood, have huge egos and a superiority complex, scientists have agreed. 

The frankly ordinary fruits have long acted as if they are a class above mere strawberries or raspberries and expect to be treated accordingly.

Nutritionist Dr Helen Archer said: “They think they’re the dog’s bollocks because Americans put them in muffins and we’ve all just blindly gone along with it.

“The only bad press a blueberry has ever had is when Violet Beauregarde turned into one in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and she deserved it. Everyone loves the smug motherf**kers.

“You don’t even have to chew them – unlike a brutish, common orange or apple, you can just pop them into your mouth and keep yapping on about your second home in Cornwall.

“But actually blueberries don’t even taste that nice. They stain your clothes, at least one in three has already gone all mushy, and blueberry yoghurt tastes crap.

“Cranberries are foul but at least they treat urinary tract infections. Just because blueberries are blue we act like they’re special. Well they’re not.”

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Pandora Papers reveal you're the only dickhead paying tax

THE Pandora Papers have revealed that you are the only person in the entire world paying their fair share of taxes and everyone is laughing at you. 

A new leak of 12 million documents has confirmed that everyone you know, from your boss to your spouse to your next-door neighbour, is routing their finances through a series of offshore accounts leaving you as the only taxpayer in the world.

Your best friend Joe Turner said: “Yeah, sorry mate. That round I bought Thursday? Leased via my shell companies in the Virgin Islands and written off against defaulted loans from my subsidiary.

“The barman didn’t mind, because he’s paid through a network of limited liability companies based in tax havens administered via a Panamanian law firm linked to dark money from the Ukraine. He gets it.

“But yeah, while you’ve been paying your income tax and your stamp duty and your VAT we’ve all been pissing ourselves. Why don’t you funnel funds via a front company for a Swiss chemical conglomerate when you do a big shop at Tesco, like the rest of us?

“It beggars belief that you didn’t simply commission an offshore wealth management trust to register a trust structure located in Singapore and Samoa when you bought that new fridge. I mean what a f**king mug.

“Keep it up though mate. You’re the only person financing the NHS, the civil service, the armed forces and our tax rebates. You’re doing a great job.”