IT’S still only November but the shops are awash with disgusting Christmas-themed food. Here are some festive offerings which will delight nobody.
Ludicrously flavoured crisps
Fancy a turkey tikka masala crisp? How about pigs-in-blanket flavour? Or brie and bubbly? They all sound awful, and yet you’ll find yourself throwing them into your shopping trolley with gay abandon, simply because they’re there. Capitalism has definitely done a number on you.
Pimped mince pies
Mince pies are delicious in their traditional form, and yet supermarkets just cannot resist messing with perfection. Adding frangipane, custard or a silly little crumble that will go all over your jumper does absolutely nothing to improve them. Even the iced ones do not top the originals. Just leave them alone.
Bizarre desserts
Christmas pudding and Christmas cake are the only desserts needed on Christmas Day. The clue is in the name. And yet your mum will still feel the need to attempt to make a Heston Blumenthal bacon and banana trifle, which tastes as nasty as it sounds and therefore goes in the bin, untouched, the day after Boxing Day.
Weird cheese
Would you consider buying espresso martini Wensleydale at any time of year other than Christmas? Of course not. And yet here you are stocking up on gin-and-gingerbread cheddar using the flimsy excuse that it’s fun to try something ‘a bit different’. It will be vile, and it will serve you right.
Frozen party food
Who doesn’t love arriving at a party to find a huge spread of beige food, plus a prawn ring that looks like it should have been taken out of the freezer a bit earlier? Chow down on chicken Christmas trees and cheddar and onion breaded stars until you hate both yourself and the festive season.
Christmas pudding for dogs
Anyone who can be convinced to part with money for some sort of bastardised dessert for dogs should be psychologically assessed. The canine mind does not crave dried fruit or kibble in festive colours their eyes can’t process. Throw them an old sausage and they won’t notice the difference.
