Brie and bubbly-flavoured crisps, and other vile Christmas foods the world doesn't need

IT’S still only November but the shops are awash with disgusting Christmas-themed food. Here are some festive offerings which will delight nobody.

Ludicrously flavoured crisps

Fancy a turkey tikka masala crisp? How about pigs-in-blanket flavour? Or brie and bubbly? They all sound awful, and yet you’ll find yourself throwing them into your shopping trolley with gay abandon, simply because they’re there. Capitalism has definitely done a number on you.

Pimped mince pies

Mince pies are delicious in their traditional form, and yet supermarkets just cannot resist messing with perfection. Adding frangipane, custard or a silly little crumble that will go all over your jumper does absolutely nothing to improve them. Even the iced ones do not top the originals. Just leave them alone.

Bizarre desserts

Christmas pudding and Christmas cake are the only desserts needed on Christmas Day. The clue is in the name. And yet your mum will still feel the need to attempt to make a Heston Blumenthal bacon and banana trifle, which tastes as nasty as it sounds and therefore goes in the bin, untouched, the day after Boxing Day.

Weird cheese

Would you consider buying espresso martini Wensleydale at any time of year other than Christmas? Of course not. And yet here you are stocking up on gin-and-gingerbread cheddar using the flimsy excuse that it’s fun to try something ‘a bit different’. It will be vile, and it will serve you right.

Frozen party food

Who doesn’t love arriving at a party to find a huge spread of beige food, plus a prawn ring that looks like it should have been taken out of the freezer a bit earlier? Chow down on chicken Christmas trees and cheddar and onion breaded stars until you hate both yourself and the festive season.

Christmas pudding for dogs

Anyone who can be convinced to part with money for some sort of bastardised dessert for dogs should be psychologically assessed. The canine mind does not crave dried fruit or kibble in festive colours their eyes can’t process. Throw them an old sausage and they won’t notice the difference.

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I don't know why girls dislike me, says woman who knows she's hot

A WOMAN who knows she is attractive has declared that she simply does not get why other women dislike her.

24-year-old stunner Sophie Rodriguez is unable to understand why women she considers plain hate her, and can only assume it is because of her looks.

Rodriguez said: “It’s so sad how women tear one another down rather than celebrate each another. They should be congratulating me on my long flowing locks, winning smile and pert breasts. But, no, they avoid me.

“I always want to be friends with other women. I love nothing more than helping my sisters by pointing out how they could be dressing better for their shape or contouring their jowls. But they don’t seem to enjoy my company.

“I suppose, deep down, they’re scared I’ll steal their men. But I’m a girls’ girl so I would never do that. Well, not again, anyway.”

Acquaintance Emma Bradford said: “Sophie who? Oh, you mean that boring girl who’s always banging on about hair extensions and skin peels?

“No, I avoid her. I don’t care what she looks like but if her anecdotes are about dull-as-ditch-water spa breaks rather than hilarious drunken escapades then she’s not worth my time.”