NIGEL Farage is in a relationship with right-wing French activist Laure Ferrari, so how come you’re single but twats all have partners? Here are some that prove there’s no justice in life.
The thought of Nigel’s rubbery face inches from yours as he humps away is bad enough, but his usual mode of interacting with people is to adopt a hectoring tone and shout over them. Imagine that, every day, in every situation: ‘NO, DON’T GET CHEESE & ONION, WOMAN, GET PRAWN COCKTAIL…’ Luckily he and his current partner have the shared interest of hating immigrants, which must make for some romantic evenings chez Nigel.
Your totally insensitive male mate
This person is a twat but still somehow quite successful with the opposite sex. The main problem is that he simply has no conception of other people having feelings or needs. It’s like expecting a virus to weigh up whether they should infect someone. You’ll sit in there in disbelief as he relates dumping a girlfriend on Christmas day, then can’t work out why the tearful woman wouldn’t give him a blowjob for old times’ sake.
Sarah’s love life isn’t going swimmingly right now, but she was married with, presumably, a very affluent domestic set-up, unlike you in your singleton’s rip-off rented flat. Clearly you need a career rethink. Have you thought about hating literally everything and writing it down in sneering terms for the Daily Mail? It worked a treat for Sarah, apart from the ‘sex with Michael Gove’ bit, obviously.
Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg
What rankles about Jacob is that he works hard at being weird, yet still gets a shag. It’s not that women find his individualism attractive, there are just a small number of equally weird ones who will go out with someone rich. It’s still annoying though, because if you started dressing as Lord Snooty and gratuitously using words like ‘floccinaucinihilipilification’ you’d expect women to consider you a twat. And for quite a few people to beat you up. And you’d agree. ‘Kick me harder in the nuts,’ you’d say. ‘I deserve it.’
Your grimly sexist colleague
A hazard of being a man is that male colleagues you barely know will share their lumpen views on women, eg. ‘I’d give Claire one up the arse.’ Usually prompting a non-committal ‘Mmm’ from you. What’s baffling is when they seem quite successful at pulling, but you’ve never seen any evidence that their conversational skills are any better with women. Maybe they’ve memorised big chunks of Wordsworth off the internet. It’s the only explanation.
Kay is married, though you’d think her relentlessly witless takes on everything would drive away partners within, say, 15-20 minutes. Her strident yet dense views on everything from climate change to Palestine are bad, but don’t forget she once asked the wife of a murderer if he might not have become a serial killer if they’d had a better sex life. Surely you deserve more luck in love than Kay, just for not sounding like a sociopath.
Your relentlessly bitchy female friend
You’d think being actively obnoxious would be off-putting to potential partners, but your horribly bitchy friend always seems to have at least some suitors. It’s hard to be too jealous though, because they’re usually morons who take longer than normal blokes to realise going out with her is a massive pain in the arse.
Vlad proves the maxim ‘Nice guys finish last’ by banging a hot gymnast while you’re single. You always ask women about themselves and try to be considerate, but clearly you should have been ordering the torture of enemy combatants and indiscriminate drone strikes against civilians. And he’s a slaphead. Is there no limit to the injustice of this cold, unforgiving universe?