Heroic feminist ally keeps views about astrology to himself

IN an act of heroic feminist allyship, a considerate man has kept his views to himself throughout a conversation about star signs.

Jordan Gardner was sat in a café with friends Lucy Parry and Sophie Rodriguez when they began to talk about Sophie’s horoscope as if it was worthy of serious discussion.

Gardner said: “For 20 long minutes I sat there with clenched fists and a vein bulging in my temple, and only interjected with polite nods and murmurs of agreement while Lucy told Sophie not to look for a new job because Mercury is in retrograde.

“I respect women completely and passionately believe in equality of the sexes, but, honestly, sometimes they come out with what can only be described as absolute female nonsense.”

Lucy Parry said: “We were testing Jordan and we’re impressed with how he coped. It was an act of feminist heroism not far removed from Emily Davison throwing herself beneath the King’s horse.

“However, he did stumble at the next hurdle when I got out a Rider-Waite deck and asked if he would like a tarot reading and he started visibly shaking, so there’s still progress to be made.”

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If Terry Venables was so good how come England never won, woman asks mourning boyfriend

A WOMAN consoling her boyfriend over the loss of Terry Venables has asked how come England never won if he was so good.

Lauren Hewitt is unsure why her boyfriend Jack Browne is so devastated by the death of footballer and manager Terry Venables seeing as he never led England to victory, so has decided to ask him and find out.

She said: “It’s upsetting that he’s died but I feel like I’m missing something. Is this one of those bloke things that women will never truly understand?

“I mean fair play, he only managed England once and took them all the way to the semis so that’s a good track record. It’s not like we could never do it again though, just look at Gareth Southgate. So cheer up, yeah?

“You were never this cut up when your gran died, and she didn’t bring any silverware home to the England trophy cabinet either. It doesn’t make sense.

“Oh wait a minute, are you actually mourning the loss to the world of 1970s detective fiction? No? Okay, I give up.”

Browne said: “Great, now she’s watching the 1996 penalty shootout on YouTube to try and see my point of view. As if I wasn’t sad enough.”