Dad asks daughter who's been vegetarian for 15 years if she's still not eating meat

A MAN has asked his daughter, who has been a vegetarian since she was 15 and is now 30, if she is “still not eating meat”.

Nikki Hollis was visiting her parents when dad Geoff decided to “just check” if she had reversed the major ethical decision she has stuck to consistently all her life.

Hollis said: “It’s nice that he remembers. Although why exactly he thinks I’ll have given up something I’ve been doing for the last 15 years is anyone’s guess.

“Maybe he thinks I’ve seen a documentary about the many positives of the meat industry. Or I’ve recently had a traumatic incident with a cow and want revenge on the whole species.

“Mind you, mum’s just as bad. She was eating a ham sandwich and asked me if I wanted to ‘try a bit’, as if it might wean me off my terrible habit of vegetarianism.”

Geoff Hollis added: “But chicken’s fine, surely?”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

How to reduce your plastic use while being a smug b*stard about it

DO you want to use less plastic while making sure everyone knows what a thoughtful, eco-conscious and incredibly smug person you are? Here’s how.

Buy milk in glass bottles and never shut up about it

Invite friends round for coffee and impress them by pouring milk from a recyclable glass bottle instead of an evil plastic one. Extra smug w*nker points if it’s raw and unpasteurised.

Buy a bamboo toothbrush and display it in your bathroom

Chuck away that scummy old glass with nine grotty plastic toothbrushes and an inch of old spit and replace it with one bamboo toothbrush on its own special plinth, complete with an annoying ‘holier than thou’ glow.

Wash dishes with old scraps of hessian

Washing up sponges shed microplastics, which suffocate the poor little fishies. Impress your friends with your awesome selflessness by cleaning your crockery with bits of old sack. It will take forever and nothing will get clean, but you’ll enjoy revelling in your martyrdom, like a more sanctimonious version of Joan of Arc.

Make a fuss about fiddling around with loose tea

Tea bags are made with plastic, which gives you a great opportunity to be an almighty bore not just about the environment, but also how much you adore responsibly sourced, traditionally smoked loose leaf lapsang souchong.

Spends loads of cash on a flashy reusable bottle

What’s the point of not using loads of plastic bottles if no one knows about it? Buy the most expensive reusable bottle you can, preferably one of those really knobby ones with a bit of charcoal in it to purify the water, and enjoy casting dirty looks at the earth murderers still buying Evian.

Next story ›